Uncertain.

Dear doctor, I write this to you alm​ost unconsciously, I just woke up, so..       So I treat the steps I do as I treat the hot pepper, neutrally. I wish I could keep this for ever. So I would never put to much care on the things I do, on my stupid thoughts, my heartless days, which are rolling down after each other without a turn, and I am not a good runner to catch one of them, the unluckiest one and slump on it an single moment of happiness. Instead, I often take myself and my undone  steps very seriously, I take to much pressure and then fry  myself in my head, the head that obviously the world is not needed of. Head that is not really real, its created by stupid me.                                                              Now i know right? You will wonder  and then ask what kind of connection you could have to this rubbish story( or whatever it is). OK, i’ll answer you. I need  nothing from you, nothing but an single advice, that’s all I’m asking for, in a case if I have a right ( you asked me to call you anytime when I have questions, the last time we met, when you checked out my grandma from the hospital, so..I’m not calling you and of course you didn’t mean this but…). You are heart surgeon, you should know the answer, do you?  

When I saw you first time,ever I started hating you, yes I did. You may ask why ’cause you didn’t even give a damn about me, nor gave even an single gaze, not an attention. Nothing. You know I just answered your question. That is why I started hating you, cause when I saw you I noticed everything about you, starting from your satin scarf to your glossy shoes, from your angry eyebrows to your rarely seen but such a soft smile. You are opposite of me. That’s why I hated you. i did. you didn’t,but you did not! I hate the fact that for some 60 second meet ups with you made me think about you, forever, again and again, on and on. And it drove me crazy. It drives me crazy,it still does. I write your description so I won’t forget, I spoil your portrait with my talentlessy hand, the hand that adores the art and the art gives no shit about that hand, I ruin and distort your face, I try to draw, but my art ruins you and then I blame myself of not having a right, to do that.  

I’ve spent my birthday and whole new year/christmas craziness, thinking only about you, imagining only you and I hate the idea that there’s no one nor nothing to put the blame on. Is the fault  in my grandma’s, yours, mine or winter’s, well, no one can tell. In the similar way I will hold the question whether I’ll see you ever again, on the air, dear David. And you cannot imagine how hard it is to exchange the words “doctor”, “you” and “he” to your name, your actual name. Your beautiful name. 
Give me an advice, how to silent my heart and how to stop hating myself every time I make myself try to speak pathetic and all the time I do it horribly. Tell me, the heart, is it really not an organ or do I try to seem romantic. You know and I dont.                                         I’m sorry for giving you headache, I always do that to the people… But honestly I wasn’t honest. I still don’t treat my steps neutrally, this stupid letter that I just wrote, I won’t send it to you, ever, do I?          

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My first trip.

It was February, I don’t really remember what day was that, Monday or Tuesday, I just remember I woke up and it was such a normal sad day. I’ve been so tired of my own bed, my own eyes, tired of my own minds. It was such a sad morning.It was insane to see a post saying that my the  most favorite singer is gonna have a concert, in the neighbour country of mine. I smiled at first, then I thought “This is one of the wishes that are gonna hold on the air and never happen.” But I turned back of my own mind and said to myself “Simply, go, get it!”.

I went to the bank, charged my card and bought the tickets  for Beth Hart’s concert, in Tbilisi, for the 18th of November, I should had to wait, a little to long. My mom was laughing at me saying “don’t you think, it’s a little bit early”. I think I said “it’s okay mom.”

It was a single step to do, but the importance of it, were something I cannot to explain in the right way. It were like setting myself free. This may sound stupid for the people that travels regularly, sees new country, meets new people twice in a year or even more, but for a person who has been never out of where she were living at her whole life, almost 18 years. I feel it is a Number, isn’t it?. So, it should be felt very special, a little to much of excitement, especially, doing everything by myself, booking the flat, booking the tickets for the concert and the car as well. All by the money I’ve been collecting all this time. It should’ve been felt so special, it really should’ve to. I’ve done everything with such a confidence, like I’ve done the same several times, you can not even imagine how much I have researched and learnt about this trip, so I wouldn’t miss anything, and can you imagine I took my mom with me, I took my sister with me to a trip. I think this is a little reason to feel myself proud even for a second. 

And then passing the border for the first time, new city, new people,  first concert, concert of someone who’s music gives me  such a goosebumps, and I couldn’t even dream about listening her live, ever. But the main thing I wished was one. Feeling the happiness, see how it feels like to feel for the first time in my life.

What happened…
I saw the places I wanted to see, I attended the concert I dreamt to. Everything went really well, beside the people. Believe me, I’m not that unthankful. By having such a horrible company with me I still can honestly feel the gratefulness and satisfaction of that I’ve experienced, what I saw, what I felt. I just cannot to make myself to feel what, what I don’t feel. I did not taste the happiness,  the missing speciality that were painted at my sister’s unsatisfied face, the continuous stupid fights hers and mom’s couldn’t not to disturb me to fully be in the position, when I’m only appreciating what happens around me at the exact moment. 

I really enjoyed the concert, it was phenomenal, I’ve never had a feeling like that and if I’d an single opportunity to thank Beth for being to much perfect and emotional and patient, I couldn’t be able to find enough words, I still can’t stop thanking God for that amazing evening, taxi driver’s  amazing little night tour of night city, the live emotions, long and cold walks…but… 

I hate putting this word at the end of whatever I’m saying…but all of this nice things has happened standing next a girl who’s never stopping to be displeased, unthankful, moanery.

I felt amazing to be a tourist and I fitted in the clothes of tourist I think very well, but the people I went with hasn’t stopped to bring me down, I tried to hard to ignore and enjoy and it almost went well, but you know there’s nothing harder than ignoring someone who is disturbing you to feel the special excitement, the H A P P I N E S S.

I tried to comfort them, I’ve done anything to put the positivity (which is being honest not likely me), to courage of seeing only positive in this trip, but I fell once again.

Now, analysing this, the main lesson is if you plan to do this and that, to see and feel the speciality, make sure to choose the right company or better be by your own, cause in situations like this when you’re seeking and learning  you will never gonna bring yourself down. I just hadn’t any chance to it, I’m not adult, yet and I’ve had to choose between going with someone or not going at all. Well, now I’m not displeased, I’ve had such a good moments, I’ve got inspired to see more.

Tbilisi is such an old and own color having city, it has two faces, when the old and new meets ands blends together in harmony. I liked the lights and the down going pretty stoned narrow streets, where boys are waving by hand to the girls they like, giving them such an long amazing look from the distance, while smoking a cigarette, standing for a bit crooked, i hope thinking beautifully. This city has such impressive trees, that are huge, and you can’t not to notice them. Some sort of wild people outside and the row metros, always busy, beggars in the center, amazing architecture, the bridge of Peace, where a man plays Elvis’s.

Beautiful.
The philosophical part in this, it is that every moment is a new story, even this one which is now, when I’m already back, sitting in my kitchen, lightning my orange candle, which I brought from Tbilisi, writing about my little trip, this moment is a memory, because I’m gonna remember it as a part of me, long lasting one, and how many things has happened this year, it’s crazy, I’m so calm but I feel my life’s crazy too. Is it even okay?​

time to stand the hell up.!

Weirdly, or it’s more obviously every feeling that I’ve been using when I wrote my last post now is completely changed.Sadly can’t say in the positive way, and this mess already makes me feel so tired.
I should do something.
I think it’s very casual human being thing to not being successful in your job, not being phenomenally talented at some thing or having a long lasting lifetime when you feel worthless of everything, when your own existence seems to you as pointless as it could ever been, when people and everyday mode of life, buses and trains and sweated faces annoys you so hard that you are clearly ready to kill every single of us, having an aim to save people from this misery,but this takes really long, I think it shouldn’t.
Honestly, if before I seemed myself interesting, when I could stand under a tree and talk to myself for an hours very easily analysing everything, talking to myself, having new ideas, now I’m just disgusted of me too.I don’t understand myself. I can not absolutely understand a person who sits there, doing nothing but being displeased, putting the blame on life, of whoever that she’s not happy, that she’s not where she wants to be.
Really, saying this is now hard for me, but I litterally gave up, I stoop down I didn’t care about the way I’m gonna feel.
I were crying in the buses awkwardly, being sorry to myself, they say only assholes do that, well I know I behaved as an asshole, even worse as an foul.
I don’t know where am i going, but i know now and here I’m going to work my ass double off and dissappear.And if something will keep me back, I know iside of me I’m just an miserable stupid ambitious idiot.
So now, dare to give up.Then you don’t even desirve to live.

The youth are starting to change,are you?

I said. it happens, now.

People if you ever thinking that your life is gonna stay in the same tone forever, you are mistaking.A month ago my thoughts has been consisting of ” life is unfree humane torture ” and :I don’t have reason to fight, I don’t want to”  “no matter”  thinking about death eternely. Now I have learnt something new and so much important. Nobody has ever reached of his biggest passion whithout struggling the boredom and which is motivating to understand what you can do, what are your abalities, how much you can do and even not having your dreams in your hands right now right here, you are calm inside that in this moment in this period of your life when you do what you hate when your days are so heavy and when the surroundness is killing you and inside of you, you are absolutly not taking part of anything happens around, but you are so aware that this is the path this is what is taking you closer to your passion, literraly every second, every minute, day in day.And you feel it and it makes you calm cause this is what you should do, nothing happens itself and at the same time everything happens itself. Let me explain. The change in your life comes itself and you don’t even notice it because by trying to hunt the change for a long time you left it and it came by itself and when it comes you take it.Then it’s your time to make the real move, the exact move which  you’ve been reasearching for a lot of years, now it’s time to use it, to fight it and the most important have a patience, you should fight and win it. Cause ones in your life the chance is passing by your side and it takes a look to you. Sometimes you ignore it, sometimes you understand what it is actually.So let’s move to my story and to face the real facts in my life.

A month ago I’ve got invitation to an office, to look and understand wheter I want to work there, it was just an invitation and I was so scared that I’m not enough because in that time of my life my head has been going crazy, I was feeling that I’m becoming so unhealthy. I putted so much pressure on myself, wanting a lot more than I was able to give myself. I thought, “oh well, life fucked me up much more earlier, than I expected, it whould..” and the worst minds surrounded me about death and idiotic change of my life dreams. I’ve litterly lost myself at every point. Everything I’ve been doing has been consisted of the misunderstand. I wanted to give up, I spited at my dreams, I thought they hurt me and I don’t have to fight for something not worth to be fought for.WHAT!? That what is gonna make you happy, do you remember I talked about the real happiness and how important it is for me. I just can’t give up, I’m going crazy.And then, after this mental attacks, I’ve got myself cleares up of the idea that everybody else is smarter and better than me, I should stop look at the life as a competition. My life’s mine.What the hell is wrong with me.

I have a job, now, I hate it, honestly I hate office job. we are as differant as the Mount Everest and iPhone 1 . Absolutly unrelated to each other. But I know one thing. I’m stepping into my dreams, my journey starts of earning money and can you imagine how many more journeys are waiting for me. Never say “NO” to the things you have no idea about..

 

will be alright.

Honestly, I am proud of myself that I could fight and win the demon which has been living inside of me two years before. I am ashamed of my own words, that I’ve wrote here to someone. Relatives or friends or even worse to my mom, I was literally ungrateful asshole who thought only about her senseless existness.                                         There is something in my heart what  I’m not even being able to pronounce.But I want to be honest to me and confess that I can’t remember a day when I felt real happiness. I know it might sound unrealistic cause there’s should be something, in somewhere deep hidden in memories that will make me smile jelously to go back to that moment, to that second and feel the same happiness.The blame is all mine and everything was and still is so confusing but I can’t remember a day, an hour,  a second me in the euphoria of happiness, this is too much grievous to me to even think about, but by living a grey and too much unknown life..here’s results.Here comes a time when you say to yourself ”at least you should have tried”. So coming over this story I will make myself happy very soon and after doing that I’ll come back here and I’ll share everything…           So, now what I wanted to talk about is that the spleen of 13/15 years old me has been gone away and I don’t know how could I talk about anybody like that, how could I be that young and that much heartless. I want to delete all my angry thoughts that I wrote here and burn whole of diaries but these are times and they are changing and of course reading my old stupidness makes me smarter and stronger now.

Now while everything is hundred times more awful in my life when my family moved to somewhere that makes me breath very uneasy at every moment, when i’m unimaginably out of my comfort and I feel airless, where I feel depressed and downtrodden, not needed and……I want to stop talking like this. Like the dumbness of mine is consist of that I’m so aware that by labeling myself as “somehow” makes me like that more.So I should stop call me “depressed”,”sad”, “uncreative” or whatever else, right now.                             And here’s the thing I can’t put the blame of  my uncomfortability to anybody else.             I know I’m so immature now, that I think this situation won’t change and I’ll stay unhappy forever..But I know, I fucking know every damn thing that disturbs me now will disappear so soon and every damn feeling to. Will be alright….

repression.

don’t even know where from to begin.I feel shame for repeating the same words again and again, the same thoughts and feelings. I feel shame to my own personality. I feel guilty that the person that I am use to be is not happy now, and I don’t know wheter she will ever be, even sentimentaly, I am so sorry that i made for me too many “glorious” dreams and desires.The saddest thing is I am so aware that every materialistic thing doesn’t exist for me and every wish of mine has a background and whatever happens all of my dreams, they have only one meaning and only one thing’s hidden under all of them.I lie to myself saying “oh. at least this..” but everything even not I want but I need,  I really need as breathing is going far away from here. I mean i don’t care where, I might sound creepily immature or stupid or whatever, but for a second imagining myself away from here, from where I’ve been locked for too much time, imagining that I whould be away from all of this things that has putted me under this repression and made me feel this much done and downtrodden, all of the people who makes me feel unworthy, untalented and useless, it makes me have the heavy breath of hope.I don’t know whatever could happen but I also don’t care at all, I rather die (which I’m slowly doing) than too stay here, get nausea of my own existness as i am doing several years…I rather die

and this is not the saddest story the saddest thing is that I know I am gonna cry all my life for everything.

right here and right now.

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and now the rain has become the hope
it is the only which has the look of the peace
maybe it will replace of our outlet
or even of our tears
to follow the rain seems impossible itself
but if to try, it doesn’t sting while it’s beating
it only strokes rudely
and that stroking is beautiful, isn’t it?
they are just drops, now
but they’re looking like the sparkles of “the hopes” for some
and as the rain is very beautiful and it doesn’t hurt while its beating
just stand and feel it
and the hurt.you won’t feel it
funny thing? it is that the hope and peace and pain doesn’t exist now

 

inspired by the rain itself