repression.

don’t even know where from to begin.I feel shame for repeating the same words again and again, the same thoughts and feelings. I feel shame to my own personality. I feel guilty that the person that I am use to be is not happy now, and I don’t know wheter she will ever be, even sentimentaly, I am so sorry that i made for me too many “glorious” dreams and desires.The saddest thing is I am so aware that every materialistic thing doesn’t exist for me and every wish of mine has a background and whatever happens all of my dreams, they have only one meaning and only one thing’s hidden under all of them.I lie to myself saying “oh. at least this..” but everything even not I want but I need,  I really need as breathing is going far away from here. I mean i don’t care where, I might sound creepily immature or stupid or whatever, but for a second imagining myself away from here, from where I’ve been locked for too much time, imagining that I whould be away from all of this things that has putted me under this repression and made me feel this much done and downtrodden, all of the people who makes me feel unworthy, untalented and useless, it makes me have the heavy breath of hope.I don’t know whatever could happen but I also don’t care at all, I rather die (which I’m slowly doing) than too stay here, get nausea of my own existness as i am doing several years…I rather die

and this is not the saddest story the saddest thing is that I know I am gonna cry all my life for everything.

right here and right now.

IMG_20170612_205214

 

and now the rain has become the hope
it is the only which has the look of the peace
maybe it will replace of our outlet
or even of our tears
to follow the rain seems impossible itself
but if to try, it doesn’t sting while it’s beating
it only strokes rudely
and that stroking is beautiful, isn’t it?
they are just drops, now
but they’re looking like the sparkles of “the hopes” for some
and as the rain is very beautiful and it doesn’t hurt while its beating
just stand and feel it
and the hurt.you won’t feel it
funny thing? it is that the hope and peace and pain doesn’t exist now

 

inspired by the rain itself

 

 

After all.

A month later. And I am here as I promised (tho nobody cares)
I survived and as 15 years old me decided to introduce her graduation achievement like this, I won’t dissapoint her and I will do the same
“I fu*ked the school behind”
And I know this is such an immaturity but I could not offend her.
I overed with my school, with the place that everybody hates and as a very usual kid I hated too, I felt so surrounded and disparate whole these years and everything that has happened and everything we’ve been through and everything that we have become here and now.sadily I can absolutly not describe this in the right way. I am just too much unable…
And now… I thought I will become happiest person… but now I’m in unlimited abiguity
I am aware, yes i am to much aware and I also knew before that everything is not supposted to go in the right way, I clearly knew that I’m not gonna be enough.And now I am not gonna find justifications, I am not gonna struggle against to me.
I thought I found the key of being a little bit oriented and relaxed but now, when everybody asks me what is your plan and I stand silent and confused begging with my haze to not ask me such a question anymore.
I don’t know what I want and I don’t say what is right for me but the most important question is what I want.What my heart wants?.I feel so emptied, I thought I will forget by just forgetting my own existness for a while, i thought it is my salvation, to forget about “I am” and to start thinking about everything else.But ego wins it wants to be in the center of attention and to be thinked about whole the time.
Now, I write and I am so surprised that I am able to do, because I haven’t notice how I lived during this last 3 days.

calmed down.

Today I would like to explain what is happening.

It has been such an alive months and it’s only because emotions  yielded to the minds and that’s why I felt comfortable inside of me, during this time I have been in situations that I used to get face to face the real things, the time came to already come out of where I was living and unlikely to me be around the people that I absolutly don’t match with. There was a problem about adaptation and I used to choose wheter I want to work with bunch of people I feel not comfortable with and earn money or get adapted and accept the things I don’t want to. I am maybe so much far of knowing life and even knowing my own personality but I always been into comfort. I know too much well the ideas of being out of your comfort zone and only then you are better person, at some point I even accept it tho I’m lately being too much against of living by sitting at the any idea, but now the thing I know is that I am not ready to do what, what I hate. It seems everything in my life turns in this confused way, because I know the idea of mine about the comfortability disturbs me and it always will but at the other point, I could have chose to stay where I am now, and never go away after my goal just because I can stay in my comfort zone and I won’t be needed to work and nobody will judge me because of my choices..I know I am being too much confusing and it makes me annoyed too but I can’t stuggle with my situation because it is so disbalanced and uncontrasted. But while I tried to struggle to myself and my feelings even worse to my minds I tried to imagine myself in the role of  nihilist, even by having idea that i am trying to be the person who doesn’t care, but the thing I can laugh at very easily is when people label themselves as a “some type of person” and then say that they are free as hell, examples no offend but the atheists or nihilists, it seems to me such an self-deception, but that wasn’t something I wanted to talk about.

I can say I continued to educate myself, I still continue too and the thing is maybe when I always talk about the books I read and about the ideas I am being interested in or everything else I talk about that is related to my self-education, it may seem so locked and so  regular.But I am trying to be as free as possible in this theme, I want to be honest with myself and to get to know what I am really interested in and not only what I use or have to know, tho sometimes this learning type can surrounds you as much so you whould like to tear yourself apart to know more and more.

What else, I remeber last year in this season I was so despaired
and disappointed, because I didn’t win the GreenCard and I thought this is the end of the life, this year I fail again but now I look back and laugh at myself, but also I am doing the  conclusions about the experiences and how the same fail makes you grown more..Now I know everything is gonna be awsome and even no, even I won’t get the chance to study where I want to maybe I won’t live where I wish and maybe everything is gonna go wrong, but tell me please isn’t it the real life. Surrounded with the disappointments and worries. At last I will smile  and I’m sure you will to. Stay safe and I will see you after a month when I will be quite free of school forever in that case when
last year I was so worried that the school lasts too long….

tiredness

ire(I’ve wrote this, 2 months before and this is how I felt)
I did not know before I can get tired, beside having hard-working days, waliking to much, having headaches,drinking to much or a lot more reasons. Only now I understand the world “tiredness” is relative, it has differant meanings,my tiredness was a little bit unrecognizabe at first to me I couldn’t understand the meaning of it because I was sleeping and I’d waking up already tired so I connected it to something about phisical issue but only now I get that in this vesion of my story the mind is controller of the body and not only.
3 months, literally 3 months and I’ll get done with the school, I will find without thinking, I’ll find out at some moment, somehow in some place that my life is clearly not what it is now, it will happen suddenly and I will notice it for a moment and then I won’t think about it, this is not a promise or something like that, no! my life is gonna change by itself I’ll find myself in the new situation, I will start worry more or against I will stop worrying but the matter isn’t about it, matter is in now, that I can control myself to survive the school because only 3 months and I can call myself “free”. The only desiticion I make now, wich about I’m so concious that that is so reckless is that I’m prefering just not to attend the last classes of my school-life… I’m being unresponsible and I’m behaving absurdic, I don’t know how to justificate myself, maybe I don’t even use to, but it’s like the mornings of mine are working against to me, they are eating me, it’s like they make my body and eyes tired on purpose so I’ll feel myself useless. I don’t know what is happening but I don’t like this position of mine……………………………………
I’m sucked up

Ssomething…

…about me

The confusion never stops to surround me.

I’ve been thinking and thinking, being chronically tired, waking up without energy to live. It followed me too long and then I decided to stop it. Enough to feel discomfort in life!                                                      Even the books I’ve read on and on, none stop, the minds that has turned around my head, the questions. They continued kill me. IvI’ve tried to get over from every single idea that I’ve locked inside of my brain. I just wanted to be and set my mind in absolute freedom state.live without something “that I have to”, “I must to” or whatever else.  
In this period of my life, one more thing I learnt too well is that the learning can be dangerous too. At some point in this time I was afraid of losing my mind or going crazy. I felt how my eyes are dying slowly, I wanted to know more. It started looks like to me as a ‘obsession’ I had to stop it, so it won’t become habit to be and feel in this way.    So, the March  and my plan was just not thinking. I set myself free, at all.In town, I found the bluesman, who plays guitar at his corner and I’ve stayed  to listen him for hours, to make my heart and spirit blessed. I didn’t save any money to help someone who’s needed., I’ve started walking a lot. I’m  watching how the color indigo looks like at the 7 p.m which reminds me the old and kind days and which makes me have the favorite color…..       Luckily the March is when the rain and wind starts and continues to inspire me, they make me feel so warm inside. I feel myself sunken in the positive way.                

I know.. The confusion is never gonna stop to exist in my life till I’ll find myself at all( if it is possible to do) in somewhere that will make me feel  differently at all, possibly crazily….I don’t know..somehow not like this…. 

And another funny thing, I write this (better to say) I write down this faithful hopes, in my math’s fucked up notebook , while I’m constrained at the class, surrounded of my schoolmates which are so self-decepted and ‘square thinking’  and boring and dumb… Ohh God.               But I have the hope , massive hope that I can and I’m gonna leave this forever and ever and ever!