I living in fuck life, I hate that fuck girl

And  again  I  just  wanna die, my  fuckin  “sister”   people  calling  this fucking  disgusting  hipocrite person  sister..That  shit  always  make  me  cry like  always, and  why,  only  for  some  shit money.  I  hate  money.. Yes in  my  mom’s  credit card  I spend some  money and she  knows  about  it,  she became  most  cute and  kind  girl..She’s  like  I  love you  sissy..And  then  she asked me  “can I  oder  dress  from some  site” I’m  like  I  need  that  money  I  can’t  give  it  to  you..and  really I  need money  for  pasport  which  I’m gonna make  for  America, can u  understand  me that  shit  money  for  my  dream and  not  her fucking  dress and  then when  she  knows  that  I’m  not  going  give her  that  money,  she  became  monster she    FUUUCCCCKKK she  spit  in me and  God  it were  really  horror I  felt  I’m  died  and  I was  freak  I  beat her  but  I  swear she made me  fuckin  mad..

Yes my  mom  understood that  it isn’t  were my  fault but again  she’s not doing any  step  to  make me  calm and  I’m again sitting  in  balcony  and I’m  crying  for some  piece of shit…

I love  you  mom and  so sorry that you  aren’t understand  me..

And  I’m  again  lost  and  alone  with my  fucking  minds which planing  run  far  away  from here and  live  calm  without  thinking about fuckin  people and  I  really  hate  people so  much, and  I don’t  think  I’ll  find  some kind  person, so  I would  like  stay  alone  forever..

I would  like  go  somewhere  with  my  friend  its  always  helps and I’m glad  I  have  somebody  who  can  make  me happy..Even  if  sometimes  I  think  I don’t know  her  at  all to..

I  really  wanna hide  from  everybody, Help  me  God my..


Wish me good luck, I’m waiting for october**

And  I  really  hope that  this  all  will  be  alright..Yesterday  I  told  you that  I  took  a  part  in  lottery  green card which helps  so  easy  live,  work and  study  in  USA..and  I  told you  that  I  did  something wrong  but  nah, right  now  I’m  gonna  wait  for october to  know  answers of  lottery and  I’m  so  pretty excited coz I  believe  that  God will  help  me  to win  green  card, and can  you  imagine then  my  all  dreams  will come  true..I just  believe and if  really  I had some  chances  in  before, to go  to my  dream  way,  but they  were just  conversations but  this  is real  this is  all  I  need and  I  have  big  hopes  that  this  would  be  more  than  just  conversation or  something..I  hope  that  with  this, I will  have  what  I  need,  I  will  live in my  dream  life  and then  I will be most happy  person  in  this  fucking life…

And  another reason  to  be  happy,  that  my  mom and my  sister  agree live  there  to..And  I  will  leave this  boring  fuck  city, already..And  you  know  I’m  afraid  to  be  super excited and  ready because everytime when  I’m  really  breathing  so fast  and  all  the day  thinking  about that  dreams  isn’t coming  true. Even  people says “If  u  want  something so so much  you  will get  it, for sure”…So, I  hope so..

And  everytime  when I’m  just  imagine  that I’ll arrive in LAX,  I  think I will  lose my consciousness and  that  minds make  me pretty happy..I  just  hope  will be alright..

Please  God my  help me, how usual… ♥♥♥

That’s really pretty when you have someone good ♥

Yeah I  told  you that these days were  really  fucking  horrible and I couldn’t  even  breathe and  then  I desided go  somewhere  with  my friend coz I thought that  she will  make me  happy..And it was  right cause everytime I’m  meeting  with  her  I’m forgetting  all  bad  things  and we  just  starting  lough and after that  meeting  I feel  really  better and  live, coz  all  the  day  sitting  at  home  with  your  not favorite people its  really damn  bad..So even  if in this  boring  country there  are  nothing  interesting,  but right  now here  are  full of  travelers and its  soooo  good cause  I like travelers  so  so  freakin  much  they are so  good and kind they are  always smiling, they aren’t  unhappy  like  my city’s people…So  we  had really good  time  and  I  would  like  have  days  like  this a  little more  coz be  with  your friend and have  a  fun,  its really pretty..

So,  I think  you already  know  that  I  dream about living  in USA, in LA and for that yesterday me  with mom and sister  took a  part in lottary  “green  card” I registered our  family but I think something  went  wrong and  if really  I’m  afraid  a  few..But I know  that  will be  alright..God  always  with me and He  always helps me..I’m  so  thankful..

So  wish  me  good  luck,  cause  right now  that’s  all  I  need

Like, I’m losing connection with my mom

Its  like  she  don’t  understand  me  anymore, sometimes  I  think  she  don’t  think  about  me  anymore and she  just forget  about me..Whatever maybe you  gotta  say  that its  your  fault,  but  really  no, in  before  I  could  speak with her  and  she  understood  me,  not  everytime  but  she  could understand,  but  right  now,  she  even  don’t  wanna  listen  what  I’m  talking  about….And  its  really hurts..

Yesterday  night  I  cried so  much,  here  are  temperature 31 but  I  felt  cold and  I  just  waned  die..No  I  like  life  and  I  want  live  but  sometime  I  feel  that nobody and  nothing need me,  why I’m  not  saying like I  don’t  need  anybody,  cause I  dream  about  everyone  will forget  about  me,  like  I’ve never  been..And  maybe  then  I  could run  away and  hide from  everyone..

I  really  can’t  live  like  this  anymore, I  really  can’t…Like  I’m  old  fucking  woman and  I  tired  of  everything,  but  I  don’t  want  life  like  this  I  wanna  feel myself young..I’m  just  15..And  wtf hapenning with  me  I  can’t  understand..I  wanna  live  this  fucking life  like  most happy  teenager not  like  old  woman  who  trying  get younger..

              I  wanna  be  Young, Wild  and  Free

The horrible days in my teenage life..

I  wouldn’t call  this  teenage..cause  every  teenager have  interesting  problems  and  yes  I  think  everybody  must  have  problems and make for them  good  finish..But I….I  even  can’t  understand  what I want,  sometimes  I  feel I don’t  want even  live  but  then  I think  no,  I  want live,  I  want  have such  an  interesting and  funny  life,  I  wanna  travel,  I wanna  go  away from  people..I just wanna  be  far and  alone..I  really  don’t  need  anybody…I  want  FREEDOM

And  day  by  day its  getting so  hard  for me,  I  even  can’t cry, but maybe  I  wanna  cry..My mom  never  asks me ”why  are u  sad”,  she  never asks  me  ”maybe  I  can  help you”  and  even  when  she ask  me  I  can’t give  her  answer coz I’m  not  friend  with  her, and  I’m  not  friend  with  my  one  and  only  friend, I  just feel  alone..Only  God with  me  but  lately  He is,  I  don’t  wanna  say  something  bad,  but  like  He  forget  about  me, but  I  know  that  it  isn’t  true,  I  know  that  God  always  with  me and  He will  always  gonna be  with  me,  I believe..And in  my  fucking  life  one  and  only  good thing  His  presence and  feeling that  He is  with  me..

In  other way  my  mom only  thinks  about  her  unlucky  and  stupid,  sister  and  brother..They  are  so sucks,  they  are  mature  persons  but they  are not did  something  serious in  theirs life..  theirs  only  hope is  my momma and my  mom  always  care  about  them,  and  its  make  me  nervous freak..She  always talk about  them and  about  theirs problems and when  I  want  speak about my  plans  or  about  what I want she again  and  again  speaking  about  her  fucking relatives, and  I  wanna  scream   ”I’m  not  interested about  your  fucking fuck people” I  even  don’t  hate  them..And  most  horrible they  don’t  leave  me  calm..mom’s sister with  her daughter and  grandson came to  live  with  us,  oh  what me  doing,  cause  my “dears”   have  problems and why….I wanna be  alone, I just  need be alone

                                                                            LIVE  ME ALONE  FUCKIN  PEOPLE 

I Have Changed..

And  I  really  understand, I  don’t  know  is  it  good  or  not  but  I  really  changed a  lot and when I’m  looking  before its  for  me  gross and I  don’t  know how much  I  will  change after  year,  but  I  don’t  want change  my minds,  my  plans  and  everything I  planed  for  future..I  just  don’t  wanna  lose  it  all,  I  don’t  wanna  stay  alone  without  my  dreams, even  when  I’m  thinking  about  it,  its getting too  cold in  my inside and  I  just  wanna  cry..cause year or 2  years  ago  I  loved  people, I  waned  talk  with them,  I  waned  kiss  my family,  then  I  just  hated people, but now  its  too  cold  coz right  now I  even  don’t  hate  them, I  feel  uncomfortable,  I  feel  like  I’m from  other  planet  and I  don’t  know  anyone in  here..

Everyone hypocrite  and  maybe  me  too,  maybe  I  just  can’t  find myself  and  maybe  this is  just  unimportant teenage problem,,I  don’t know and  maybe I  even  don’t  want to know..



Omg  this is  awful  I  can’t  even  breathe..   Here  are  so  fucking  hot  and  I  hate this  all, I’m  like thinking  “are You  kidding  with  me  God my”  so  many  fucking  things  at  the  same  time,  guests  who  I  just  hate and  if  really  they  taking  my  freedom  away  coz I  like  stay  at  home  alone  and  that’s  the  one  and  only thing  i  like  in  summer  but  my  “relatives”  came  and  they are  going  stay  here  with  me  for  a  long  time,  I’m  just  praying  God  to  give  me  freedom.In other  way here  are  so  hot and  Its  making  me   fucking freak.In  other  way  my  sister she’s like  so  damn dumb  I  hate  them  all..

I  just  can’t  wait  when  I’m  gonna live  alone,  when I  will  have  freedom a  real freedom,  when  I  will  do what  I  like and when I  won’t  have  to  see  theirs boring  faces.. I  just  wanna  run  away  from  this  boring  ass  city  and  I  wanna  live  free..I  just  wanna  live  a life,  I want  have  adventures and  feel  lucky..