I’m trying change, but I’m so sick

From  childhood  I have  been so weak and I  always  got  sick and  now too..five months ago  I’ve  got so  sick and  I’m  about 1  month  were  at  hospital and  right  now that  weakness  coming back  plus new disease..But  I  really  don’t want be  sick..I  wanna be  live..

And  I’m  really trying change  my  life  I’m  already not eating much..so in  before  I didn’t  eat  much, to..I have  workout time,  I’m  going  to  go  gym..And  I’m  making cool  designes, tomorrow  I’ll take  some interesting  book from  library  and  yea  I’m  conitinuing believe..But  I don’t  know  why that sickness don’t let  me live..

At  yesterday  night I almost drowned, I’m so  grateful to God  that my  mom wokes me up.. only drugs  helps me..

I’m trying  forget  that  all  but I  really  understand  that  I need  change my  oxygen and  I’m  so sorry that my  mom  is’nt understand  that,  I’m  really  so sorry..

BAD

Hurts..When actually you’re not living..

I don’t  want  live  like  this  anymore..Already I’m  really  freaking  out..When  I’m  saying  to  myself  don’t  think  negative will be  alright,  then I’m  crying coz  I need  pass  long  way to make  my  dreams true and in  the  world  there  are  people  who  have  life  about  what  I’m  dreaming  and  they  not  appreciate what  they  have..

I  really  wanna  live  life,  actually  in my  mind  I’m  living  really in different  planet  at  all and  I  even  don’t  want accept  the  reality, coz  everyone judge me like ”you’re not  live” or “be  live” but  if  really I  don’t  want  be live, here coz  really  I’m  tired, actually  I’m  counting all  the hours and  I’m  waiting  for  when  day  will  over and  it hurts so  bad  coz  you  know that  in  other  place people  really  enjoying  life  and  they having adventures, and  I’m  sitting here  waisting  my  fucking uninteresting  life…But  really  I  don’t  want  that..Really )))):

And  yersterday  me  and  mommy  desided  change my  school  place and  go to  study  in  college..yea  that’s  too  good change that  disgusting place  but I know that  in new  place  I  won’t  feel  better   to..I’m  so  problematic and  sometimes  I  think  I’m  excessive burden for  my  family..No one  understands me..))))

I  want my  America, my  dream so  so bad and I’m  just  praying  God help me..Only  He can  help me..

I don’t wanna  live )))))))