After all.

A month later. And I am here as I promised (tho nobody cares)
I survived and as 15 years old me decided to introduce her graduation achievement like this, I won’t dissapoint her and I will do the same
“I fu*ked the school behind”
And I know this is such an immaturity but I could not offend her.
I overed with my school, with the place that everybody hates and as a very usual kid I hated too, I felt so surrounded and disparate whole these years and everything that has happened and everything we’ve been through and everything that we have become here and now.sadily I can absolutly not describe this in the right way. I am just too much unable…
And now… I thought I will become happiest person… but now I’m in unlimited abiguity
I am aware, yes i am to much aware and I also knew before that everything is not supposted to go in the right way, I clearly knew that I’m not gonna be enough.And now I am not gonna find justifications, I am not gonna struggle against to me.
I thought I found the key of being a little bit oriented and relaxed but now, when everybody asks me what is your plan and I stand silent and confused begging with my haze to not ask me such a question anymore.
I don’t know what I want and I don’t say what is right for me but the most important question is what I want.What my heart wants?.I feel so emptied, I thought I will forget by just forgetting my own existness for a while, i thought it is my salvation, to forget about “I am” and to start thinking about everything else.But ego wins it wants to be in the center of attention and to be thinked about whole the time.
Now, I write and I am so surprised that I am able to do, because I haven’t notice how I lived during this last 3 days.

calmed down.

Today I would like to explain what is happening.

It has been such an alive months and it’s only because emotions  yielded to the minds and that’s why I felt comfortable inside of me, during this time I have been in situations that I used to get face to face the real things, the time came to already come out of where I was living and unlikely to me be around the people that I absolutly don’t match with. There was a problem about adaptation and I used to choose wheter I want to work with bunch of people I feel not comfortable with and earn money or get adapted and accept the things I don’t want to. I am maybe so much far of knowing life and even knowing my own personality but I always been into comfort. I know too much well the ideas of being out of your comfort zone and only then you are better person, at some point I even accept it tho I’m lately being too much against of living by sitting at the any idea, but now the thing I know is that I am not ready to do what, what I hate. It seems everything in my life turns in this confused way, because I know the idea of mine about the comfortability disturbs me and it always will but at the other point, I could have chose to stay where I am now, and never go away after my goal just because I can stay in my comfort zone and I won’t be needed to work and nobody will judge me because of my choices..I know I am being too much confusing and it makes me annoyed too but I can’t stuggle with my situation because it is so disbalanced and uncontrasted. But while I tried to struggle to myself and my feelings even worse to my minds I tried to imagine myself in the role of  nihilist, even by having idea that i am trying to be the person who doesn’t care, but the thing I can laugh at very easily is when people label themselves as a “some type of person” and then say that they are free as hell, examples no offend but the atheists or nihilists, it seems to me such an self-deception, but that wasn’t something I wanted to talk about.

I can say I continued to educate myself, I still continue too and the thing is maybe when I always talk about the books I read and about the ideas I am being interested in or everything else I talk about that is related to my self-education, it may seem so locked and so  regular.But I am trying to be as free as possible in this theme, I want to be honest with myself and to get to know what I am really interested in and not only what I use or have to know, tho sometimes this learning type can surrounds you as much so you whould like to tear yourself apart to know more and more.

What else, I remeber last year in this season I was so despaired
and disappointed, because I didn’t win the GreenCard and I thought this is the end of the life, this year I fail again but now I look back and laugh at myself, but also I am doing the  conclusions about the experiences and how the same fail makes you grown more..Now I know everything is gonna be awsome and even no, even I won’t get the chance to study where I want to maybe I won’t live where I wish and maybe everything is gonna go wrong, but tell me please isn’t it the real life. Surrounded with the disappointments and worries. At last I will smile  and I’m sure you will to. Stay safe and I will see you after a month when I will be quite free of school forever in that case when
last year I was so worried that the school lasts too long….