repression.

don’t even know where from to begin.I feel shame for repeating the same words again and again, the same thoughts and feelings. I feel shame to my own personality. I feel guilty that the person that I am use to be is not happy now, and I don’t know wheter she will ever be, even sentimentaly, I am so sorry that i made for me too many “glorious” dreams and desires.The saddest thing is I am so aware that every materialistic thing doesn’t exist for me and every wish of mine has a background and whatever happens all of my dreams, they have only one meaning and only one thing’s hidden under all of them.I lie to myself saying “oh. at least this..” but everything even not I want but I need,  I really need as breathing is going far away from here. I mean i don’t care where, I might sound creepily immature or stupid or whatever, but for a second imagining myself away from here, from where I’ve been locked for too much time, imagining that I whould be away from all of this things that has putted me under this repression and made me feel this much done and downtrodden, all of the people who makes me feel unworthy, untalented and useless, it makes me have the heavy breath of hope.I don’t know whatever could happen but I also don’t care at all, I rather die (which I’m slowly doing) than too stay here, get nausea of my own existness as i am doing several years…I rather die

and this is not the saddest story the saddest thing is that I know I am gonna cry all my life for everything.

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