aaaaaaaaaaggggrrr I wanna lost in island, be alone,I wanna hide from everything and that fucking school making me so nervous I can’t do anything, i’m just waiting..I’m just fucking 15 and nothing in my freaking hand..they are trying control me, but i don’t wanna control, i haaate control..I’m so emotional.i wanna cry, smile, I’m getting real mad, only music making me inspired i want to write with a hope that someone will understand me, cuz around me people only can judge me
I just can’t chill out
Can anobody understan me…who an, but who cares. I’m lost girl I’m fucking kick, i’m losing my minds I can’t control my emotions I gorra say everybody how I hate themmmm….
Help me God my..Please
From childhood I have been so weak and I always got sick and now too..five months ago I’ve got so sick and I’m about 1 month were at hospital and right now that weakness coming back plus new disease..But I really don’t want be sick..I wanna be live..
And I’m really trying change my life I’m already not eating much..so in before I didn’t eat much, to..I have workout time, I’m going to go gym..And I’m making cool designes, tomorrow I’ll take some interesting book from library and yea I’m conitinuing believe..But I don’t know why that sickness don’t let me live..
At yesterday night I almost drowned, I’m so grateful to God that my mom wokes me up.. only drugs helps me..
I’m trying forget that all but I really understand that I need change my oxygen and I’m so sorry that my mom is’nt understand that, I’m really so sorry..
I don’t want live like this anymore..Already I’m really freaking out..When I’m saying to myself don’t think negative will be alright, then I’m crying coz I need pass long way to make my dreams true and in the world there are people who have life about what I’m dreaming and they not appreciate what they have..
I really wanna live life, actually in my mind I’m living really in different planet at all and I even don’t want accept the reality, coz everyone judge me like ”you’re not live” or “be live” but if really I don’t want be live, here coz really I’m tired, actually I’m counting all the hours and I’m waiting for when day will over and it hurts so bad coz you know that in other place people really enjoying life and they having adventures, and I’m sitting here waisting my fucking uninteresting life…But really I don’t want that..Really )))):
And yersterday me and mommy desided change my school place and go to study in college..yea that’s too good change that disgusting place but I know that in new place I won’t feel better to..I’m so problematic and sometimes I think I’m excessive burden for my family..No one understands me..))))
I want my America, my dream so so bad and I’m just praying God help me..Only He can help me..
I don’t wanna live )))))))
And again I just wanna die, my fuckin “sister” people calling this fucking disgusting hipocrite person sister..That shit always make me cry like always, and why, only for some shit money. I hate money.. Yes in my mom’s credit card I spend some money and she knows about it, she became most cute and kind girl..She’s like I love you sissy..And then she asked me “can I oder dress from some site” I’m like I need that money I can’t give it to you..and really I need money for pasport which I’m gonna make for America, can u understand me that shit money for my dream and not her fucking dress and then when she knows that I’m not going give her that money, she became monster she FUUUCCCCKKK she spit in me and God it were really horror I felt I’m died and I was freak I beat her but I swear she made me fuckin mad..
Yes my mom understood that it isn’t were my fault but again she’s not doing any step to make me calm and I’m again sitting in balcony and I’m crying for some piece of shit…
I love you mom and so sorry that you aren’t understand me..
And I’m again lost and alone with my fucking minds which planing run far away from here and live calm without thinking about fuckin people and I really hate people so much, and I don’t think I’ll find some kind person, so I would like stay alone forever..
I would like go somewhere with my friend its always helps and I’m glad I have somebody who can make me happy..Even if sometimes I think I don’t know her at all to..
I really wanna hide from everybody, Help me God my..
And I really hope that this all will be alright..Yesterday I told you that I took a part in lottery green card which helps so easy live, work and study in USA..and I told you that I did something wrong but nah, right now I’m gonna wait for october to know answers of lottery and I’m so pretty excited coz I believe that God will help me to win green card, and can you imagine then my all dreams will come true..I just believe and if really I had some chances in before, to go to my dream way, but they were just conversations but this is real this is all I need and I have big hopes that this would be more than just conversation or something..I hope that with this, I will have what I need, I will live in my dream life and then I will be most happy person in this fucking life…
And another reason to be happy, that my mom and my sister agree live there to..And I will leave this boring fuck city, already..And you know I’m afraid to be super excited and ready because everytime when I’m really breathing so fast and all the day thinking about that dreams isn’t coming true. Even people says “If u want something so so much you will get it, for sure”…So, I hope so..
And everytime when I’m just imagine that I’ll arrive in LAX, I think I will lose my consciousness and that minds make me pretty happy..I just hope will be alright..
Please God my help me, how usual… ♥♥♥
Yeah I told you that these days were really fucking horrible and I couldn’t even breathe and then I desided go somewhere with my friend coz I thought that she will make me happy..And it was right cause everytime I’m meeting with her I’m forgetting all bad things and we just starting lough and after that meeting I feel really better and live, coz all the day sitting at home with your not favorite people its really damn bad..So even if in this boring country there are nothing interesting, but right now here are full of travelers and its soooo good cause I like travelers so so freakin much they are so good and kind they are always smiling, they aren’t unhappy like my city’s people…So we had really good time and I would like have days like this a little more coz be with your friend and have a fun, its really pretty..
So, I think you already know that I dream about living in USA, in LA and for that yesterday me with mom and sister took a part in lottary “green card” I registered our family but I think something went wrong and if really I’m afraid a few..But I know that will be alright..God always with me and He always helps me..I’m so thankful..
So wish me good luck, cause right now that’s all I need
Its like she don’t understand me anymore, sometimes I think she don’t think about me anymore and she just forget about me..Whatever maybe you gotta say that its your fault, but really no, in before I could speak with her and she understood me, not everytime but she could understand, but right now, she even don’t wanna listen what I’m talking about….And its really hurts..
Yesterday night I cried so much, here are temperature 31 but I felt cold and I just waned die..No I like life and I want live but sometime I feel that nobody and nothing need me, why I’m not saying like I don’t need anybody, cause I dream about everyone will forget about me, like I’ve never been..And maybe then I could run away and hide from everyone..
I really can’t live like this anymore, I really can’t…Like I’m old fucking woman and I tired of everything, but I don’t want life like this I wanna feel myself young..I’m just 15..And wtf hapenning with me I can’t understand..I wanna live this fucking life like most happy teenager not like old woman who trying get younger..
I wanna be Young, Wild and Free