Nobody can’t tell me what to do, I don’t want that fucking school, I don’t go back there..

aaaaaaaaaaggggrrr  I  wanna  lost in  island, be  alone,I  wanna  hide  from everything and  that  fucking  school making  me so nervous I  can’t  do anything,  i’m  just waiting..I’m  just fucking  15 and  nothing  in  my  freaking  hand..they are trying  control  me,  but i  don’t  wanna  control, i  haaate  control..I’m  so  emotional.i  wanna  cry, smile, I’m  getting  real  mad,  only  music  making  me  inspired i  want  to  write  with a  hope  that  someone will  understand  me,  cuz around  me people  only  can judge me

I  just can’t  chill  out

Can  anobody  understan me…who  an, but  who  cares. I’m lost girl  I’m  fucking  kick,  i’m  losing  my  minds  I can’t  control my  emotions  I  gorra  say  everybody  how  I  hate  themmmm….

Help  me  God  my..Please

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I’m trying change, but I’m so sick

From  childhood  I have  been so weak and I  always  got  sick and  now too..five months ago  I’ve  got so  sick and  I’m  about 1  month  were  at  hospital and  right  now that  weakness  coming back  plus new disease..But  I  really  don’t want be  sick..I  wanna be  live..

And  I’m  really trying change  my  life  I’m  already not eating much..so in  before  I didn’t  eat  much, to..I have  workout time,  I’m  going  to  go  gym..And  I’m  making cool  designes, tomorrow  I’ll take  some interesting  book from  library  and  yea  I’m  conitinuing believe..But  I don’t  know  why that sickness don’t let  me live..

At  yesterday  night I almost drowned, I’m so  grateful to God  that my  mom wokes me up.. only drugs  helps me..

I’m trying  forget  that  all  but I  really  understand  that  I need  change my  oxygen and  I’m  so sorry that my  mom  is’nt understand  that,  I’m  really  so sorry..

BAD

Hurts..When actually you’re not living..

I don’t  want  live  like  this  anymore..Already I’m  really  freaking  out..When  I’m  saying  to  myself  don’t  think  negative will be  alright,  then I’m  crying coz  I need  pass  long  way to make  my  dreams true and in  the  world  there  are  people  who  have  life  about  what  I’m  dreaming  and  they  not  appreciate what  they  have..

I  really  wanna  live  life,  actually  in my  mind  I’m  living  really in different  planet  at  all and  I  even  don’t  want accept  the  reality, coz  everyone judge me like ”you’re not  live” or “be  live” but  if  really I  don’t  want  be live, here coz  really  I’m  tired, actually  I’m  counting all  the hours and  I’m  waiting  for  when  day  will  over and  it hurts so  bad  coz  you  know that  in  other  place people  really  enjoying  life  and  they having adventures, and  I’m  sitting here  waisting  my  fucking uninteresting  life…But  really  I  don’t  want  that..Really )))):

And  yersterday  me  and  mommy  desided  change my  school  place and  go to  study  in  college..yea  that’s  too  good change that  disgusting place  but I know that  in new  place  I  won’t  feel  better   to..I’m  so  problematic and  sometimes  I  think  I’m  excessive burden for  my  family..No one  understands me..))))

I  want my  America, my  dream so  so bad and I’m  just  praying  God help me..Only  He can  help me..

I don’t wanna  live )))))))

I living in fuck life, I hate that fuck girl

And  again  I  just  wanna die, my  fuckin  “sister”   people  calling  this fucking  disgusting  hipocrite person  sister..That  shit  always  make  me  cry like  always, and  why,  only  for  some  shit money.  I  hate  money.. Yes in  my  mom’s  credit card  I spend some  money and she  knows  about  it,  she became  most  cute and  kind  girl..She’s  like  I  love you  sissy..And  then  she asked me  “can I  oder  dress  from some  site” I’m  like  I  need  that  money  I  can’t  give  it  to  you..and  really I  need money  for  pasport  which  I’m gonna make  for  America, can u  understand  me that  shit  money  for  my  dream and  not  her fucking  dress and  then when  she  knows  that  I’m  not  going  give her  that  money,  she  became  monster she    FUUUCCCCKKK she  spit  in me and  God  it were  really  horror I  felt  I’m  died  and  I was  freak  I  beat her  but  I  swear she made me  fuckin  mad..

Yes my  mom  understood that  it isn’t  were my  fault but again  she’s not doing any  step  to  make me  calm and  I’m again sitting  in  balcony  and I’m  crying  for some  piece of shit…

I love  you  mom and  so sorry that you  aren’t understand  me..

And  I’m  again  lost  and  alone  with my  fucking  minds which planing  run  far  away  from here and  live  calm  without  thinking about fuckin  people and  I  really  hate  people so  much, and  I don’t  think  I’ll  find  some kind  person, so  I would  like  stay  alone  forever..

I would  like  go  somewhere  with  my  friend  its  always  helps and I’m glad  I  have  somebody  who  can  make  me happy..Even  if  sometimes  I  think  I don’t know  her  at  all to..

I  really  wanna hide  from  everybody, Help  me  God my..

Wish me good luck, I’m waiting for october**

And  I  really  hope that  this  all  will  be  alright..Yesterday  I  told  you that  I  took  a  part  in  lottery  green card which helps  so  easy  live,  work and  study  in  USA..and  I  told you  that  I  did  something wrong  but  nah, right  now  I’m  gonna  wait  for october to  know  answers of  lottery and  I’m  so  pretty excited coz I  believe  that  God will  help  me  to win  green  card, and can  you  imagine then  my  all  dreams  will come  true..I just  believe and if  really  I had some  chances  in  before, to go  to my  dream  way,  but they  were just  conversations but  this  is real  this is  all  I  need and  I  have  big  hopes  that  this  would  be  more  than  just  conversation or  something..I  hope  that  with  this, I will  have  what  I  need,  I  will  live in my  dream  life  and then  I will be most happy  person  in  this  fucking life…

And  another reason  to  be  happy,  that  my  mom and my  sister  agree live  there  to..And  I  will  leave this  boring  fuck  city, already..And  you  know  I’m  afraid  to  be  super excited and  ready because everytime when  I’m  really  breathing  so fast  and  all  the day  thinking  about that  dreams  isn’t coming  true. Even  people says “If  u  want  something so so much  you  will get  it, for sure”…So, I  hope so..

And  everytime  when I’m  just  imagine  that I’ll arrive in LAX,  I  think I will  lose my consciousness and  that  minds make  me pretty happy..I  just  hope  will be alright..

Please  God my  help me, how usual… ♥♥♥

That’s really pretty when you have someone good ♥

Yeah I  told  you that these days were  really  fucking  horrible and I couldn’t  even  breathe and  then  I desided go  somewhere  with  my friend coz I thought that  she will  make me  happy..And it was  right cause everytime I’m  meeting  with  her  I’m forgetting  all  bad  things  and we  just  starting  lough and after that  meeting  I feel  really  better and  live, coz  all  the  day  sitting  at  home  with  your  not favorite people its  really damn  bad..So even  if in this  boring  country there  are  nothing  interesting,  but right  now here  are  full of  travelers and its  soooo  good cause  I like travelers  so  so  freakin  much  they are so  good and kind they are  always smiling, they aren’t  unhappy  like  my city’s people…So  we  had really good  time  and  I  would  like  have  days  like  this a  little more  coz be  with  your friend and have  a  fun,  its really pretty..

So,  I think  you already  know  that  I  dream about living  in USA, in LA and for that yesterday me  with mom and sister  took a  part in lottary  “green  card” I registered our  family but I think something  went  wrong and  if really  I’m  afraid  a  few..But I know  that  will be  alright..God  always  with me and He  always helps me..I’m  so  thankful..

So  wish  me  good  luck,  cause  right now  that’s  all  I  need

Like, I’m losing connection with my mom

Its  like  she  don’t  understand  me  anymore, sometimes  I  think  she  don’t  think  about  me  anymore and she  just forget  about me..Whatever maybe you  gotta  say  that its  your  fault,  but  really  no, in  before  I  could  speak with her  and  she  understood  me,  not  everytime  but  she  could understand,  but  right  now,  she  even  don’t  wanna  listen  what  I’m  talking  about….And  its  really hurts..

Yesterday  night  I  cried so  much,  here  are  temperature 31 but  I  felt  cold and  I  just  waned  die..No  I  like  life  and  I  want  live  but  sometime  I  feel  that nobody and  nothing need me,  why I’m  not  saying like I  don’t  need  anybody,  cause I  dream  about  everyone  will forget  about  me,  like  I’ve never  been..And  maybe  then  I  could run  away and  hide from  everyone..

I  really  can’t  live  like  this  anymore, I  really  can’t…Like  I’m  old  fucking  woman and  I  tired  of  everything,  but  I  don’t  want  life  like  this  I  wanna  feel myself young..I’m  just  15..And  wtf hapenning with  me  I  can’t  understand..I  wanna  live  this  fucking life  like  most happy  teenager not  like  old  woman  who  trying  get younger..

              I  wanna  be  Young, Wild  and  Free