hope, happiness, lose, sadness and emptyness

Firstly I have no idea why the fuck for I’m writing again and I don’t know how to start and how to finish, this is not story this is not mind this is really nothing but maybe some feeling.

In last 9 months I was super super excited and I felt, I will have what I dreamt I had a big hope I felt I’m so happy for some reasons I waited with the freaking exciting but  it got again and again tooo much cold I lost my dreams I lose everything I loved and cared about I wanted die and the life wasn’t interesting to me I feel I’m shaking, I’m not crying my body’s death and I’ve become someone who’s doing mechanical stuff because she have to do that.. She tried, she tried to be Happy but she have got broken..

I’m thinking sometimes how happy the people who’s getting broken because of love or something like that. I wish I could love and get broken but only not pain like this one. When you losing your dreams, your hope and everything…        

I lost

This day began and what? We are living in a dream. But I woke up today. This is actually stupid but I woke up from this dream and saw that something, someone got less from my dream. My grandfather passed away..

He’s in heaven right now?!

Where are you my old man? Why you make me crying without reason, cause we could stay together. Who’s going to call me in a word which only you know what’s. The word I have no idea what means but  I’m sure its something puppy.

We wasn’t the best grandfather and granddaughter we just loved each other in the love every single relative does. But when you got sick and when you annoyed everyone with your funny old man things. I was laughing how cute and funny my grandpa is. I know everybody who has ever told you suck words thinking “if we could turn back the time”.

I said a lot of time that I don’t have roots and I’m  daughter of the universe but one thing I understand today, You’re my root and I’m kind of thankful to you that I’m sitting here, writing about you, thinking about us and  time by time cleaning my tears.

I’m realistic even I’m sure my life is a dream and I will wake up some day. I understand everyone’s one day dying, that’s natural but heart’s natural too. I said myself a lot of time “this isn’t horrible, this is okay, this is natural, but demon it hurts”

I know it will pass, I’ll  grown up, I wont remember but sucks even if we’ll forget I miss  that old man.