right here and right now.

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and now the rain has become the hope
it is the only which has the look of the peace
maybe it will replace of our outlet
or even of our tears
to follow the rain seems impossible itself
but if to try, it doesn’t sting while it’s beating
it only strokes rudely
and that stroking is beautiful, isn’t it?
they are just drops, now
but they’re looking like the sparkles of “the hopes” for some
and as the rain is very beautiful and it doesn’t hurt while its beating
just stand and feel it
and the hurt.you won’t feel it
funny thing? it is that the hope and peace and pain doesn’t exist now

 

inspired by the rain itself

 

 

Resulating.

Time by time I am returning back to my unknown blog, everytime already a little bit more mature than the last time. I’m never stopping to write, I wrote before and I’ll write always the matter isn’t it.but somethings are quickly changing and the feeling you are getting, the desire that you want to move your feelings into words and make them just a symbols and the consciousness that’s you are unable to do it makes you move madly, shake inside and cry out. But here I am and there’s no explanation for being here, I’m the same teenage girl only I’m a year older now…That’s it and that’s what actually everything we are. Being here, disappearing then appearing again and again, all the same.
I wanted to explain to myself what the 2016 was for me.I can’t remember 2016 as a good or simple or even normal year, no it wasn’t ordinary, it was harder than it used to be, you know how much you learn after everytime you hear you lost, like literally you have lost and the same time you are lost, your personality feels done, and the weather’s coldness makes you feel pain cause you feel that the special space the important person had in your heart is empty forever and it won’t be fixed, no the person won’t come back to hug you and you won’t ask him “how are you?” you won’t look at his and smile only because you like him.
I do really accept the death as a natural thing but…But it pains your life it creates the feeling of the emptiness and the fact of being pointless in life cause one day you are gonna be gone too.
But it has passed like every single beautiful and horrible moment does. Seems everything’s a little bit fixed, because i’ve really tried to set myself free of the sentimental thoughts. Talking about thoughts I can’t underestimate the free-minded position I set myself in, this year I did really try to get out of every single stereotypes I had, I started to think that the word “impossible” is just a useless thing and it hasn’t meaning, I am not only about being here or anywhere else, I’m not about of fighting for the dreams. I mean the mind of setting yourself free of the word “impossible” means to believe that the everything you see or hear or even imagine is can be absolutily real, it can be possible you can create it, I believe this is not my “philosophical revelation” but in last year I can tell I got the meaning of the infinity. I can tell 2016 was the year of overthinking and learning too much, being councius of my mind, my body, my brain.
The year also was romantic for my eyes to heart, I started call myself realist/romantic because of I started appreciate everything I saw, I started see the things beutifully and look at them without wishing prove something about them, I just wanted to be thankful I have the chance to see them and that was all.

You know how much that stupid it feels like while you are unknown for someone who’s becoming the reason of having heavy breath and shaking hands and constrained facial expression, that feels really shitty and it continues to feel like that. This is such an unimportant thing to me but now while it is the part of me it kinda feels even warm.

Can’t even understand how all of these things inflicted to happen only in one year with my mental situation and physical position but I also managed to be not the best friend to my best friend, we are just friends now and we see each other from month to month or even later. I know I never counted friendships something important to me, because I always fell like we can’t never be 100% close or 100% loving each other but it was a time while I was like “God, I’m starrting miss her a little” but then I was okay with it so, it passed I’m still okay with being alone kid, but I could not pass this though cuz it was the part of my year too.

Even though this year was so much stressful but also it was the year of realization and of learning the things. I can be truly thankful, cause in this year I never slept thirsty, hungry or cold the reason I can be so much gratefull to my God and I’ll always will. Thank You

hope, happiness, lose, sadness and emptyness

Firstly I have no idea why the fuck for I’m writing again and I don’t know how to start and how to finish, this is not story this is not mind this is really nothing but maybe some feeling.

In last 9 months I was super super excited and I felt, I will have what I dreamt I had a big hope I felt I’m so happy for some reasons I waited with the freaking exciting but  it got again and again tooo much cold I lost my dreams I lose everything I loved and cared about I wanted die and the life wasn’t interesting to me I feel I’m shaking, I’m not crying my body’s death and I’ve become someone who’s doing mechanical stuff because she have to do that.. She tried, she tried to be Happy but she have got broken..

I’m thinking sometimes how happy the people who’s getting broken because of love or something like that. I wish I could love and get broken but only not pain like this one. When you losing your dreams, your hope and everything…        

I lost

This day began and what? We are living in a dream. But I woke up today. This is actually stupid but I woke up from this dream and saw that something, someone got less from my dream. My grandfather passed away..

He’s in heaven right now?!

Where are you my old man? Why you make me crying without reason, cause we could stay together. Who’s going to call me in a word which only you know what’s. The word I have no idea what means but  I’m sure its something puppy.

We wasn’t the best grandfather and granddaughter we just loved each other in the love every single relative does. But when you got sick and when you annoyed everyone with your funny old man things. I was laughing how cute and funny my grandpa is. I know everybody who has ever told you suck words thinking “if we could turn back the time”.

I said a lot of time that I don’t have roots and I’m  daughter of the universe but one thing I understand today, You’re my root and I’m kind of thankful to you that I’m sitting here, writing about you, thinking about us and  time by time cleaning my tears.

I’m realistic even I’m sure my life is a dream and I will wake up some day. I understand everyone’s one day dying, that’s natural but heart’s natural too. I said myself a lot of time “this isn’t horrible, this is okay, this is natural, but demon it hurts”

I know it will pass, I’ll  grown up, I wont remember but sucks even if we’ll forget I miss  that old man.

 

Feeling of soul

The streets are dark, empty and cold

You don’t try control me anymore. I’m not that cute baby who was your pretty thing to love.. I’ve become harder and now the pimples in my forehead, I’m stressed teen and it seems I don’t care at everything, and I even don’t wanna fix my stupid imperfections, cause I lose everything

 

“How can I sleep if I don’t have dreams?
I just have nightmares
How can it be?
I still believe something is out there “

 

Everything is out of my mind. Every damn thing

Let’s forget about everything just a moment pause it, let’s forget about past, future and now too.

Let’s love each other without any disgusting formalities ..Let’s hug each other under our favorite song we know lyrics we can sing together, or just lets run away with our minds with our old car, lets just loaf in cold and dark streets, please don’t afraid we are not alone we have each other., don’t you believe me?!

But I’m alone I can’t do it they’re trying keep me here, and I don’t have you. you’re imaginary..

I’m crying, I don’t know why

Vacation, for  one week,  wow  so much happiness. I’m  like thinking what  the  fuck is  with me,  is  there  gonna be  some day  that  I  will be  glad for  everything, in  school I wanted  home so  much, right now its gonna  be so  wrong  to  say  I want  back  to school, but I  want something unusual, I  really want to  change everything, like my whole  leisure is zero. Today my  friend  called  me  she’s like  common tomorrow go to  cinema, I’m  like huh ok, but I even  don’t want  to  spend some time  with  someone  with  who  I  always  had  a  really  fun.But  now,  I  know  this  is my  fault, I changed, and  I  wanna  be  alone  at  all,  it isn’t  pleasure be  with friends  anymore..Cos  i  really  don’t  like, the similar people, she’s  likeing whole  the  things  I  like, she wants  all  things I want,  our  dreams  become  similar,  she’s  making  with me  plans  for  future, but  I  really  can’t  say  her  sorry  I’m  not  going  to  take  a  part  in  your  plans, really so  sorry..

My  plans are  be  alone and live alone.I’m not person  who  wants journey with friends or  with anyone like family  or  bf,  i  really  want  to earn all  by  myself and be  free  at  all                                                                      Help me  Godcropped-large1.jpg

I want begin everything from the first..

I  was  so  nervous,  and  maybe  right  now,  i’m nervous  too, but  so  whatever, I  feel more adequately..i  don’t  know,  I missed  my all  thoughts..I  wanted end  my life  and  begin again, but  I  understand  that  that’s  impossible get  other  life,  i gorra  change  my  life and  fight  what I live  for.. In  these days  i just  ate  my moms brain  saying “I  can’t  live  here any fucking  more”. i  know she  feels me and  she  understands,  but  i  don’t  know  for  why she  isn’t  want  change  anything,  she  said  many  times  that  she  will  do  everything  to  make  me  happy but day  by  day  I  understand  to  get  my  dreams,  in  that  way  i can  trust  only  me and to my  God..  In  these  days I feel  I’m  emotional  but  in  real I’m  not, I  was  like someone without heart, i  didn’t  do  anything,  I  even didn’t  cried..That  was  so  awkward, when u want something  to  do  but actually u  can’t do  anything, even  cry..

But  I  really  want  to begin  everything  from first. I  know  I  can’t  be happy in  school,  even in home,  so  i  want  change  my  school  place,  or  study  in  college,  if really  i  don’t care in  studying cuz,  i think  that  everybody can  learn  lifes important   things in  real  life not  from  any  books, that  books  not  important  for  being smart, biggest  part  the  people  who   I  know,  learnt so much, but  they don’t  have what  they dreamt,  cuz  they  spent theyrs life  for  fucking  diploma, to  show stupid  people, how  smart  they  are..You  can  learn anything  u  want,  but u can do  it  if  u  really want  it,  exam I – I  have  a  dream,  Live  in USA the meaning  of  my  life, but  right now, I  live  so  far from America, so  I could’t do  anything but I learnt  English  and  I’m  cuntinuing learn  it, I  learnt  two foreign languages, because I  really  wanted  it, I did  it with  interest..So  if  u  don’t  do  anything  u  don’t  like,  don’t  do  it…Life  is  too short, to follow  the  rules..large (1)

I’m  happy cuz  I  have meaning  of life and I’m  gonna  fight..The  time  will  fix  everything,  I  believe..