calmed down.

Today I would like to explain what is happening.

It has been such an alive months and it’s only because emotions  yielded to the minds and that’s why I felt comfortable inside of me, during this time I have been in situations that I used to get face to face the real things, the time came to already come out of where I was living and unlikely to me be around the people that I absolutly don’t match with. There was a problem about adaptation and I used to choose wheter I want to work with bunch of people I feel not comfortable with and earn money or get adapted and accept the things I don’t want to. I am maybe so much far of knowing life and even knowing my own personality but I always been into comfort. I know too much well the ideas of being out of your comfort zone and only then you are better person, at some point I even accept it tho I’m lately being too much against of living by sitting at the any idea, but now the thing I know is that I am not ready to do what, what I hate. It seems everything in my life turns in this confused way, because I know the idea of mine about the comfortability disturbs me and it always will but at the other point, I could have chose to stay where I am now, and never go away after my goal just because I can stay in my comfort zone and I won’t be needed to work and nobody will judge me because of my choices..I know I am being too much confusing and it makes me annoyed too but I can’t stuggle with my situation because it is so disbalanced and uncontrasted. But while I tried to struggle to myself and my feelings even worse to my minds I tried to imagine myself in the role of  nihilist, even by having idea that i am trying to be the person who doesn’t care, but the thing I can laugh at very easily is when people label themselves as a “some type of person” and then say that they are free as hell, examples no offend but the atheists or nihilists, it seems to me such an self-deception, but that wasn’t something I wanted to talk about.

I can say I continued to educate myself, I still continue too and the thing is maybe when I always talk about the books I read and about the ideas I am being interested in or everything else I talk about that is related to my self-education, it may seem so locked and so  regular.But I am trying to be as free as possible in this theme, I want to be honest with myself and to get to know what I am really interested in and not only what I use or have to know, tho sometimes this learning type can surrounds you as much so you whould like to tear yourself apart to know more and more.

What else, I remeber last year in this season I was so despaired
and disappointed, because I didn’t win the GreenCard and I thought this is the end of the life, this year I fail again but now I look back and laugh at myself, but also I am doing the  conclusions about the experiences and how the same fail makes you grown more..Now I know everything is gonna be awsome and even no, even I won’t get the chance to study where I want to maybe I won’t live where I wish and maybe everything is gonna go wrong, but tell me please isn’t it the real life. Surrounded with the disappointments and worries. At last I will smile  and I’m sure you will to. Stay safe and I will see you after a month when I will be quite free of school forever in that case when
last year I was so worried that the school lasts too long….

Resulating.

Time by time I am returning back to my unknown blog, everytime already a little bit more mature than the last time. I’m never stopping to write, I wrote before and I’ll write always the matter isn’t it.but somethings are quickly changing and the feeling you are getting, the desire that you want to move your feelings into words and make them just a symbols and the consciousness that’s you are unable to do it makes you move madly, shake inside and cry out. But here I am and there’s no explanation for being here, I’m the same teenage girl only I’m a year older now…That’s it and that’s what actually everything we are. Being here, disappearing then appearing again and again, all the same.
I wanted to explain to myself what the 2016 was for me.I can’t remember 2016 as a good or simple or even normal year, no it wasn’t ordinary, it was harder than it used to be, you know how much you learn after everytime you hear you lost, like literally you have lost and the same time you are lost, your personality feels done, and the weather’s coldness makes you feel pain cause you feel that the special space the important person had in your heart is empty forever and it won’t be fixed, no the person won’t come back to hug you and you won’t ask him “how are you?” you won’t look at his and smile only because you like him.
I do really accept the death as a natural thing but…But it pains your life it creates the feeling of the emptiness and the fact of being pointless in life cause one day you are gonna be gone too.
But it has passed like every single beautiful and horrible moment does. Seems everything’s a little bit fixed, because i’ve really tried to set myself free of the sentimental thoughts. Talking about thoughts I can’t underestimate the free-minded position I set myself in, this year I did really try to get out of every single stereotypes I had, I started to think that the word “impossible” is just a useless thing and it hasn’t meaning, I am not only about being here or anywhere else, I’m not about of fighting for the dreams. I mean the mind of setting yourself free of the word “impossible” means to believe that the everything you see or hear or even imagine is can be absolutily real, it can be possible you can create it, I believe this is not my “philosophical revelation” but in last year I can tell I got the meaning of the infinity. I can tell 2016 was the year of overthinking and learning too much, being councius of my mind, my body, my brain.
The year also was romantic for my eyes to heart, I started call myself realist/romantic because of I started appreciate everything I saw, I started see the things beutifully and look at them without wishing prove something about them, I just wanted to be thankful I have the chance to see them and that was all.

You know how much that stupid it feels like while you are unknown for someone who’s becoming the reason of having heavy breath and shaking hands and constrained facial expression, that feels really shitty and it continues to feel like that. This is such an unimportant thing to me but now while it is the part of me it kinda feels even warm.

Can’t even understand how all of these things inflicted to happen only in one year with my mental situation and physical position but I also managed to be not the best friend to my best friend, we are just friends now and we see each other from month to month or even later. I know I never counted friendships something important to me, because I always fell like we can’t never be 100% close or 100% loving each other but it was a time while I was like “God, I’m starrting miss her a little” but then I was okay with it so, it passed I’m still okay with being alone kid, but I could not pass this though cuz it was the part of my year too.

Even though this year was so much stressful but also it was the year of realization and of learning the things. I can be truly thankful, cause in this year I never slept thirsty, hungry or cold the reason I can be so much gratefull to my God and I’ll always will. Thank You

We have to know what we live for

I just can’t understand the people. They are thinking about rules, principles, like what if, and a lot dumb ideas in the head of humans.

Today in facebook  I saw the post where one mother who’s not worked enough money to make her son’s wishes true, was so broke and after it she played in porn film as an actress she has got money and bought bicycle for her only son, after that it was written “they are so happy now, she made her son happy”. The cries coming quickly after this all, I felt we didn’t lose our hope to be human and take care for each other. But then I read whole comments in that post. Every single body, everybody judged her, even someone wrote “couldn’t you just hit your son to be angry to him and say that he’s too little to wish anything”. I just can’t guess  did that commenter meant that the kids are nobodies and we gonna don’t care  about whole our children’s wishes?? I really have no idea  what is she meant. Okay if we  have problems  do we gonna make our favorite people sad, hit them, judge them?? Really? I’m really freaking don’t understand..

I’m just 16  everyday sitting in internet reading any posts, comments, quotes everyday I’m learning something new, some opinions, minds are making my young opinion about world its all making me grown. And what do you mean saying “hit your baby and scream at him”. Do you wanna make me angry in future? If during the time I’ve didn’t got my opinion maybe I could be agree with you. What do you think, in the future will we get the love and peace?

We can beat each other how much we like but do we think about future, do we think about after us. I really can’t understand the people, who’s making any “special”  “cool” “severe” minds and telling everyone about their “strong opinion” which is so useless and stupid for everyone..

Every mistake is not mistake if we are doing it for getting love, peace and hope..And how I understand for that killing is most  inexcusable thing because it isn’t have any of this 3 things..

P.S I’m so grateful, yesterday I’ve got most kind of likes for my photoghrapy post, its really makes me stronger for my future dreams.

I LOVE THIS WORLD EVEN I AM A HOPELESS FREAK

Hey, I missed here so much but I couldn’t write, but anyways, I’m here and I’m so glad..

I can say I’m really other person. I don’t know myself, but one  thing I know for  sure  that I’ve become better person. In  before I couldn’t imagine that I can have a plans for  where I’m living, but happened weird thing and I’ve got a lot of plans till my real dreams will come true. I don’t know how to write my happiness in here because I’m really so  excited and everything is so good  so cool, the Christmas time is so positive, I’m so glad. I don’t know.. I  love the world, I want the peace and I know everything is going to be alright..

 

Okay about 2 months ago I felt I’m really changed. I didn’t prayed for my dreams, the only thing I wished is the peace, I started appreciate what I have, I started love my family more and more, I started love everybody and everything in this pretty world, but I understood that I’ve never hated          anybody, I never wished to anyone sad things. Another thing I understand is that  the most important  things  for life is having hope, faith and love, of course I knew about these things but I figure them out in my soul.. Another thing I wanted to understand  is that what is the life, really, in that period the life became for me too boring, I thought ok if I will get  my dreams, what is going to happen after that all. But after that I understand what is the meaning this all, sure I can’t  get whole my answers but how I feel that’s so good. Cause the life is interesting with a bunch of  questions we have for it. I understand that if I’m living so I have an meaning, that’s to find love.

Love is mean the life,  love  means the  light and that light is we are, with many mistakes, and imperfections, but this is we are and this is our life.. Really I thought so much about this all and maybe I didn’t get the real answers but I’m really so glad I’ve got life, reasons and  everything God is giving me..

About my life’s changes..

I really was so freaked, I didn’t understand what is happening with me, I thought I’m in love but in a place thinking  how I can get  attention, I figure out other thing, that if  I like or love someone my life is really  success but I can’t say I was in love that “love” was the love to everything, that’s showing that I can’t hate, and I’m so glad..

Another hobbies I’ve  got   really I fell in love with writing and reading. In before when    I could waist    my time with only fucking TV or internet  I’m spending    either with  writing or reading books..

One of the poems I wrote in the  picture I really like this one so much, writing, shoting, reading, dreaming, learning something new these things are a really big big inspirations for me..

Btw I’m going to learn Italian cause I always dreamt about it and I’m going to make my dream true. And I’ve got new plans about Europe correctly about Italy.

And I’m really  super happy I’ve got new reasons and I’m really so thankful. Really.

 

 

 

I’m crying, I don’t know why

Vacation, for  one week,  wow  so much happiness. I’m  like thinking what  the  fuck is  with me,  is  there  gonna be  some day  that  I  will be  glad for  everything, in  school I wanted  home so  much, right now its gonna  be so  wrong  to  say  I want  back  to school, but I  want something unusual, I  really want to  change everything, like my whole  leisure is zero. Today my  friend  called  me  she’s like  common tomorrow go to  cinema, I’m  like huh ok, but I even  don’t want  to  spend some time  with  someone  with  who  I  always  had  a  really  fun.But  now,  I  know  this  is my  fault, I changed, and  I  wanna  be  alone  at  all,  it isn’t  pleasure be  with friends  anymore..Cos  i  really  don’t  like, the similar people, she’s  likeing whole  the  things  I  like, she wants  all  things I want,  our  dreams  become  similar,  she’s  making  with me  plans  for  future, but  I  really  can’t  say  her  sorry  I’m  not  going  to  take  a  part  in  your  plans, really so  sorry..

My  plans are  be  alone and live alone.I’m not person  who  wants journey with friends or  with anyone like family  or  bf,  i  really  want  to earn all  by  myself and be  free  at  all                                                                      Help me  Godcropped-large1.jpg

Miracles in the world..All about my faith

My  faith  getting bigger and  bigger, every  moment,  every  second, my  God is making new  miracles, this  is  really  wonderful, admirable. So  here is a  little story,  not  about  me but with connection of me..Maybe  even  without  connection but  whatever..So  some days ago, my  friend told me  that  a guy whos far relative of  her got in  coma, I  even  didn’t see  one  picture  of that  guy,  i even  didn’t  knew  his  name till  today, but I  was  really  in  shock  coz  he  is really so young, he  is  just 17 and  thats  was so  so sorry to lose  him even  I  don’t know  him, maybe  its  sound  really so  dumb, that  I’m worring about  someone  who I  even  don’t know, but here is  humanity, lately I started  pray  for  not only me  and my dreams, I  started  pray  to God, asking  health and luck  for  young people, this life actually  is  too short  to  lose it  in  young age, and i’m thinking more  about it  lately and I’m  starting to appreciate my  life..Really  thank  you God my  giving me a life, a lot people are  losing theirs  lifes and that is so sorry..I want  live my  life don’t  repenting it, and  in  the same  time be thankful..So  a  good  side  in  this story that boy woke up today, when my friend called me and told me  good  news  I was and I’m  really so happy..There are really  a  lot  of  miracles, we  just don’t  notice it all..

Appreciate, cos you can  lose it suddenly & at  once..

Most depressive day in my freaking life..God’s making miracles, I’m so grateful♥

Wanna  start from, that I’m  so  sick, and weak, you  know, how  low is my immunity, and  so  the  cold  days already  started and hey flu, whats  up??!!!.Ok fuck it,  I stayed at home and thats  was  cool for me  but  I couldn’t  guess  that  this  “cool, fun,  alone”  day  at home gonna  be  the  most  depressive day ever..Lets start  from the first, I  woke  up, weak and I  don’t wanted do anything,  I set on internet, then  I  watched  new  movie  named “Ashby”, btw I  liked it, and  i  advice it  to  watch, so whatever..After  watching movie, I got so  bored and I  desided make  video, like “funny” with  my sisters camera..And  of course the most  unlucky  girl who  you are  reading  right  now,  broke thaat fucking  camera..I’ve  got  so nervous cause I  knew  that  if  my  sister will know  about  it she will  kill me, she’s  really  so  agressive, and i’m really so  serious, she is mad..Soo  can you imagine my fucking  situation??? I’m  like  cried, my hand was  trembled, I  knew its gorra be really big family scandal..So I took  that  stupid camera to some idiot “master”, who  said like ‘if I  can fix it you gonna  give  me  big  money’ I was  like  fuck it..You already know, that  I’m trying become photographer and  I’ve made money  fond for my new  prof. camera,  it’s really my big  dream..I’ve got  really broke, I was  sad, I wanted  to die, I know,  you think this isn’t big  problem but, that wasn’t  the one reason to be broken, I’m  really  so  problematic sometimes  I’m thinking that  I am  the most  unlucky  girl in the whole  world, I really want  other  life…

So  I’m gonna tell you  the  end  of this story. When I came back  home, I was like watched whole  internet, all, all  instructions, to  get something to  fix that fucking camera..So  I  find  out that  I have  no  decision. I waited to my sister to  tell her  that  fucking news, so  she  came and I told her  that  I  broke her cam, and how, I  guessed  she  was  really  agressive..I  think  whole  the time  when I cried  and  freaked out God  watched me from the heaven and He helped me..My sister  tried to connect the camera..Camera connected..And please  don’t  tell me like ‘God isn’t exist’, only  not me……