hope, happiness, lose, sadness and emptyness

Firstly I have no idea why the fuck for I’m writing again and I don’t know how to start and how to finish, this is not story this is not mind this is really nothing but maybe some feeling.

In last 9 months I was super super excited and I felt, I will have what I dreamt I had a big hope I felt I’m so happy for some reasons I waited with the freaking exciting but  it got again and again tooo much cold I lost my dreams I lose everything I loved and cared about I wanted die and the life wasn’t interesting to me I feel I’m shaking, I’m not crying my body’s death and I’ve become someone who’s doing mechanical stuff because she have to do that.. She tried, she tried to be Happy but she have got broken..

I’m thinking sometimes how happy the people who’s getting broken because of love or something like that. I wish I could love and get broken but only not pain like this one. When you losing your dreams, your hope and everything…        

Feeling of soul

The streets are dark, empty and cold

You don’t try control me anymore. I’m not that cute baby who was your pretty thing to love.. I’ve become harder and now the pimples in my forehead, I’m stressed teen and it seems I don’t care at everything, and I even don’t wanna fix my stupid imperfections, cause I lose everything

 

“How can I sleep if I don’t have dreams?
I just have nightmares
How can it be?
I still believe something is out there “

 

Everything is out of my mind. Every damn thing

Let’s forget about everything just a moment pause it, let’s forget about past, future and now too.

Let’s love each other without any disgusting formalities ..Let’s hug each other under our favorite song we know lyrics we can sing together, or just lets run away with our minds with our old car, lets just loaf in cold and dark streets, please don’t afraid we are not alone we have each other., don’t you believe me?!

But I’m alone I can’t do it they’re trying keep me here, and I don’t have you. you’re imaginary..

Photography. I feel it

I just wanted post any of my first works cause I made it but never shared at all.I love photography and I’ve got a big dream to be a really good one about photography..I will do my best to have creative works cause I know everything is too much but we don’t get it clearly..

Thank You..Happiness

The wishes, plans we are making in our brain are coming true during in time, after these all I even can’t afraid that any of my dreams won’t come true..

Btw Merry Christmas  and Happy New Years

Every single year I was so unhappy about holydays because I always wanted more or other one.

I feel how I am growing up, because I don’t taking so hard the mind “I could have more” whatever I really so grateful for everything I’ve got for every single day God is giving me, I can listen a lot bad news but I don’t care cause I know nothing is perfect and I don’t want anything will get perfect, I accept the world how it is because this amazing world is my HOME this is where I gorra survive and do my life things.. the world is mine I am the world’s

 

I always dreamt about to have something special, something unforgettable and I’ve got it in this New Year.. I raised lighter in the sky wishing most special and important thing is for me, doing it I’ve got so much freedom so much happiness so much feelings.                                          I like what I have, I love it and the things I don’t like I will change with a big pleasure.

The only thing I wish is the peace and humanity for every person. We are really  sorry to lost ours. Don’t be ashamed to be kind  to everyone  

I’m so blended                                                                                                                    I feel love and I’ve got sure about my feelings. Once I felt what I never feel in before, I’m not going to cry cause my love is untouchable and inaccessibile I gorra move on and live on, I don’t care at all and at every feeling. I love this feeling which people are calling love maybe this is another feeling unnamed but anyways I don’t care at words and at rules. My life is continuing I’m happy and still free freak

I LOVE THIS WORLD EVEN I AM A HOPELESS FREAK

Hey, I missed here so much but I couldn’t write, but anyways, I’m here and I’m so glad..

I can say I’m really other person. I don’t know myself, but one  thing I know for  sure  that I’ve become better person. In  before I couldn’t imagine that I can have a plans for  where I’m living, but happened weird thing and I’ve got a lot of plans till my real dreams will come true. I don’t know how to write my happiness in here because I’m really so  excited and everything is so good  so cool, the Christmas time is so positive, I’m so glad. I don’t know.. I  love the world, I want the peace and I know everything is going to be alright..

 

Okay about 2 months ago I felt I’m really changed. I didn’t prayed for my dreams, the only thing I wished is the peace, I started appreciate what I have, I started love my family more and more, I started love everybody and everything in this pretty world, but I understood that I’ve never hated          anybody, I never wished to anyone sad things. Another thing I understand is that  the most important  things  for life is having hope, faith and love, of course I knew about these things but I figure them out in my soul.. Another thing I wanted to understand  is that what is the life, really, in that period the life became for me too boring, I thought ok if I will get  my dreams, what is going to happen after that all. But after that I understand what is the meaning this all, sure I can’t  get whole my answers but how I feel that’s so good. Cause the life is interesting with a bunch of  questions we have for it. I understand that if I’m living so I have an meaning, that’s to find love.

Love is mean the life,  love  means the  light and that light is we are, with many mistakes, and imperfections, but this is we are and this is our life.. Really I thought so much about this all and maybe I didn’t get the real answers but I’m really so glad I’ve got life, reasons and  everything God is giving me..

About my life’s changes..

I really was so freaked, I didn’t understand what is happening with me, I thought I’m in love but in a place thinking  how I can get  attention, I figure out other thing, that if  I like or love someone my life is really  success but I can’t say I was in love that “love” was the love to everything, that’s showing that I can’t hate, and I’m so glad..

Another hobbies I’ve  got   really I fell in love with writing and reading. In before when    I could waist    my time with only fucking TV or internet  I’m spending    either with  writing or reading books..

One of the poems I wrote in the  picture I really like this one so much, writing, shoting, reading, dreaming, learning something new these things are a really big big inspirations for me..

Btw I’m going to learn Italian cause I always dreamt about it and I’m going to make my dream true. And I’ve got new plans about Europe correctly about Italy.

And I’m really  super happy I’ve got new reasons and I’m really so thankful. Really.

 

 

 

I’m crying, I don’t know why

Vacation, for  one week,  wow  so much happiness. I’m  like thinking what  the  fuck is  with me,  is  there  gonna be  some day  that  I  will be  glad for  everything, in  school I wanted  home so  much, right now its gonna  be so  wrong  to  say  I want  back  to school, but I  want something unusual, I  really want to  change everything, like my whole  leisure is zero. Today my  friend  called  me  she’s like  common tomorrow go to  cinema, I’m  like huh ok, but I even  don’t want  to  spend some time  with  someone  with  who  I  always  had  a  really  fun.But  now,  I  know  this  is my  fault, I changed, and  I  wanna  be  alone  at  all,  it isn’t  pleasure be  with friends  anymore..Cos  i  really  don’t  like, the similar people, she’s  likeing whole  the  things  I  like, she wants  all  things I want,  our  dreams  become  similar,  she’s  making  with me  plans  for  future, but  I  really  can’t  say  her  sorry  I’m  not  going  to  take  a  part  in  your  plans, really so  sorry..

My  plans are  be  alone and live alone.I’m not person  who  wants journey with friends or  with anyone like family  or  bf,  i  really  want  to earn all  by  myself and be  free  at  all                                                                      Help me  Godcropped-large1.jpg

I want begin everything from the first..

I  was  so  nervous,  and  maybe  right  now,  i’m nervous  too, but  so  whatever, I  feel more adequately..i  don’t  know,  I missed  my all  thoughts..I  wanted end  my life  and  begin again, but  I  understand  that  that’s  impossible get  other  life,  i gorra  change  my  life and  fight  what I live  for.. In  these days  i just  ate  my moms brain  saying “I  can’t  live  here any fucking  more”. i  know she  feels me and  she  understands,  but  i  don’t  know  for  why she  isn’t  want  change  anything,  she  said  many  times  that  she  will  do  everything  to  make  me  happy but day  by  day  I  understand  to  get  my  dreams,  in  that  way  i can  trust  only  me and to my  God..  In  these  days I feel  I’m  emotional  but  in  real I’m  not, I  was  like someone without heart, i  didn’t  do  anything,  I  even didn’t  cried..That  was  so  awkward, when u want something  to  do  but actually u  can’t do  anything, even  cry..

But  I  really  want  to begin  everything  from first. I  know  I  can’t  be happy in  school,  even in home,  so  i  want  change  my  school  place,  or  study  in  college,  if really  i  don’t care in  studying cuz,  i think  that  everybody can  learn  lifes important   things in  real  life not  from  any  books, that  books  not  important  for  being smart, biggest  part  the  people  who   I  know,  learnt so much, but  they don’t  have what  they dreamt,  cuz  they  spent theyrs life  for  fucking  diploma, to  show stupid  people, how  smart  they  are..You  can  learn anything  u  want,  but u can do  it  if  u  really want  it,  exam I – I  have  a  dream,  Live  in USA the meaning  of  my  life, but  right now, I  live  so  far from America, so  I could’t do  anything but I learnt  English  and  I’m  cuntinuing learn  it, I  learnt  two foreign languages, because I  really  wanted  it, I did  it with  interest..So  if  u  don’t  do  anything  u  don’t  like,  don’t  do  it…Life  is  too short, to follow  the  rules..large (1)

I’m  happy cuz  I  have meaning  of life and I’m  gonna  fight..The  time  will  fix  everything,  I  believe..