calmed down.

Today I would like to explain what is happening.

It has been such an alive months and it’s only because emotions  yielded to the minds and that’s why I felt comfortable inside of me, during this time I have been in situations that I used to get face to face the real things, the time came to already come out of where I was living and unlikely to me be around the people that I absolutly don’t match with. There was a problem about adaptation and I used to choose wheter I want to work with bunch of people I feel not comfortable with and earn money or get adapted and accept the things I don’t want to. I am maybe so much far of knowing life and even knowing my own personality but I always been into comfort. I know too much well the ideas of being out of your comfort zone and only then you are better person, at some point I even accept it tho I’m lately being too much against of living by sitting at the any idea, but now the thing I know is that I am not ready to do what, what I hate. It seems everything in my life turns in this confused way, because I know the idea of mine about the comfortability disturbs me and it always will but at the other point, I could have chose to stay where I am now, and never go away after my goal just because I can stay in my comfort zone and I won’t be needed to work and nobody will judge me because of my choices..I know I am being too much confusing and it makes me annoyed too but I can’t stuggle with my situation because it is so disbalanced and uncontrasted. But while I tried to struggle to myself and my feelings even worse to my minds I tried to imagine myself in the role of  nihilist, even by having idea that i am trying to be the person who doesn’t care, but the thing I can laugh at very easily is when people label themselves as a “some type of person” and then say that they are free as hell, examples no offend but the atheists or nihilists, it seems to me such an self-deception, but that wasn’t something I wanted to talk about.

I can say I continued to educate myself, I still continue too and the thing is maybe when I always talk about the books I read and about the ideas I am being interested in or everything else I talk about that is related to my self-education, it may seem so locked and so  regular.But I am trying to be as free as possible in this theme, I want to be honest with myself and to get to know what I am really interested in and not only what I use or have to know, tho sometimes this learning type can surrounds you as much so you whould like to tear yourself apart to know more and more.

What else, I remeber last year in this season I was so despaired
and disappointed, because I didn’t win the GreenCard and I thought this is the end of the life, this year I fail again but now I look back and laugh at myself, but also I am doing the  conclusions about the experiences and how the same fail makes you grown more..Now I know everything is gonna be awsome and even no, even I won’t get the chance to study where I want to maybe I won’t live where I wish and maybe everything is gonna go wrong, but tell me please isn’t it the real life. Surrounded with the disappointments and worries. At last I will smile  and I’m sure you will to. Stay safe and I will see you after a month when I will be quite free of school forever in that case when
last year I was so worried that the school lasts too long….

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Resulating.

Time by time I am returning back to my unknown blog, everytime already a little bit more mature than the last time. I’m never stopping to write, I wrote before and I’ll write always the matter isn’t it.but somethings are quickly changing and the feeling you are getting, the desire that you want to move your feelings into words and make them just a symbols and the consciousness that’s you are unable to do it makes you move madly, shake inside and cry out. But here I am and there’s no explanation for being here, I’m the same teenage girl only I’m a year older now…That’s it and that’s what actually everything we are. Being here, disappearing then appearing again and again, all the same.
I wanted to explain to myself what the 2016 was for me.I can’t remember 2016 as a good or simple or even normal year, no it wasn’t ordinary, it was harder than it used to be, you know how much you learn after everytime you hear you lost, like literally you have lost and the same time you are lost, your personality feels done, and the weather’s coldness makes you feel pain cause you feel that the special space the important person had in your heart is empty forever and it won’t be fixed, no the person won’t come back to hug you and you won’t ask him “how are you?” you won’t look at his and smile only because you like him.
I do really accept the death as a natural thing but…But it pains your life it creates the feeling of the emptiness and the fact of being pointless in life cause one day you are gonna be gone too.
But it has passed like every single beautiful and horrible moment does. Seems everything’s a little bit fixed, because i’ve really tried to set myself free of the sentimental thoughts. Talking about thoughts I can’t underestimate the free-minded position I set myself in, this year I did really try to get out of every single stereotypes I had, I started to think that the word “impossible” is just a useless thing and it hasn’t meaning, I am not only about being here or anywhere else, I’m not about of fighting for the dreams. I mean the mind of setting yourself free of the word “impossible” means to believe that the everything you see or hear or even imagine is can be absolutily real, it can be possible you can create it, I believe this is not my “philosophical revelation” but in last year I can tell I got the meaning of the infinity. I can tell 2016 was the year of overthinking and learning too much, being councius of my mind, my body, my brain.
The year also was romantic for my eyes to heart, I started call myself realist/romantic because of I started appreciate everything I saw, I started see the things beutifully and look at them without wishing prove something about them, I just wanted to be thankful I have the chance to see them and that was all.

You know how much that stupid it feels like while you are unknown for someone who’s becoming the reason of having heavy breath and shaking hands and constrained facial expression, that feels really shitty and it continues to feel like that. This is such an unimportant thing to me but now while it is the part of me it kinda feels even warm.

Can’t even understand how all of these things inflicted to happen only in one year with my mental situation and physical position but I also managed to be not the best friend to my best friend, we are just friends now and we see each other from month to month or even later. I know I never counted friendships something important to me, because I always fell like we can’t never be 100% close or 100% loving each other but it was a time while I was like “God, I’m starrting miss her a little” but then I was okay with it so, it passed I’m still okay with being alone kid, but I could not pass this though cuz it was the part of my year too.

Even though this year was so much stressful but also it was the year of realization and of learning the things. I can be truly thankful, cause in this year I never slept thirsty, hungry or cold the reason I can be so much gratefull to my God and I’ll always will. Thank You

Feeling of soul

The streets are dark, empty and cold

You don’t try control me anymore. I’m not that cute baby who was your pretty thing to love.. I’ve become harder and now the pimples in my forehead, I’m stressed teen and it seems I don’t care at everything, and I even don’t wanna fix my stupid imperfections, cause I lose everything

 

“How can I sleep if I don’t have dreams?
I just have nightmares
How can it be?
I still believe something is out there “

 

Everything is out of my mind. Every damn thing

Let’s forget about everything just a moment pause it, let’s forget about past, future and now too.

Let’s love each other without any disgusting formalities ..Let’s hug each other under our favorite song we know lyrics we can sing together, or just lets run away with our minds with our old car, lets just loaf in cold and dark streets, please don’t afraid we are not alone we have each other., don’t you believe me?!

But I’m alone I can’t do it they’re trying keep me here, and I don’t have you. you’re imaginary..

In love..With the world ♡

When people are asking me what is your favorite color I really can’t find answer to them. I like whole the shadows of blue  in the sky when its turning something red-orange and sometimes in the morning pink.. I love the color of the grass and already nude trees, I even love the color of asphalt which is place by place got dark after the rain.. I like everything about the nature.. I love it I feel I was born to feel the nature feel the wind,  run when its raining and watch all the day in the sky..

Everyday  I love to wait till 6:30 and watch to the sunsets, be wondered how everyday and enjoy that view till the sun goes down. I love to watch  how dogs are  running after the cats, and I’m sure they just want to play with them cause they’re so cute, so kind. Once I cried when I saw how mother dog is teaching her sons how to walk, that’s my sweetest and kindest memory and I cried because of people to when in the morning I listened a high shot voice I was gone to the balcony and I saw how an fucking asshole man caught from the pretty little dog’s feet and took him to his fucking car.. He  killed the dog, he killed the part of the nature. And he killed me too, I fell ashamed to be called “person” because he was called as a “person” to. And he’s killing was like how people killing each other in the wars, in a little fights, in any situations one and only thing I can’t accept with no way, but they’re doing it. And I don’t care if you will call me a freak because of I compare animals and people killings, I just can’t respect any killer even for any reason. I really can’t cause I know when even people killing other person for punish I’m sure in the heaven every single bad persons I mean real bad they surely will get theirs answers.. The only thing I wish is that everybody stop kill the things made by God whatever its animal, person or trees..

Look how beautiful is around you and appreciate what you have..

Thank You..Happiness

The wishes, plans we are making in our brain are coming true during in time, after these all I even can’t afraid that any of my dreams won’t come true..

Btw Merry Christmas  and Happy New Years

Every single year I was so unhappy about holydays because I always wanted more or other one.

I feel how I am growing up, because I don’t taking so hard the mind “I could have more” whatever I really so grateful for everything I’ve got for every single day God is giving me, I can listen a lot bad news but I don’t care cause I know nothing is perfect and I don’t want anything will get perfect, I accept the world how it is because this amazing world is my HOME this is where I gorra survive and do my life things.. the world is mine I am the world’s

 

I always dreamt about to have something special, something unforgettable and I’ve got it in this New Year.. I raised lighter in the sky wishing most special and important thing is for me, doing it I’ve got so much freedom so much happiness so much feelings.                                          I like what I have, I love it and the things I don’t like I will change with a big pleasure.

The only thing I wish is the peace and humanity for every person. We are really  sorry to lost ours. Don’t be ashamed to be kind  to everyone  

I’m so blended                                                                                                                    I feel love and I’ve got sure about my feelings. Once I felt what I never feel in before, I’m not going to cry cause my love is untouchable and inaccessibile I gorra move on and live on, I don’t care at all and at every feeling. I love this feeling which people are calling love maybe this is another feeling unnamed but anyways I don’t care at words and at rules. My life is continuing I’m happy and still free freak

I want begin everything from the first..

I  was  so  nervous,  and  maybe  right  now,  i’m nervous  too, but  so  whatever, I  feel more adequately..i  don’t  know,  I missed  my all  thoughts..I  wanted end  my life  and  begin again, but  I  understand  that  that’s  impossible get  other  life,  i gorra  change  my  life and  fight  what I live  for.. In  these days  i just  ate  my moms brain  saying “I  can’t  live  here any fucking  more”. i  know she  feels me and  she  understands,  but  i  don’t  know  for  why she  isn’t  want  change  anything,  she  said  many  times  that  she  will  do  everything  to  make  me  happy but day  by  day  I  understand  to  get  my  dreams,  in  that  way  i can  trust  only  me and to my  God..  In  these  days I feel  I’m  emotional  but  in  real I’m  not, I  was  like someone without heart, i  didn’t  do  anything,  I  even didn’t  cried..That  was  so  awkward, when u want something  to  do  but actually u  can’t do  anything, even  cry..

But  I  really  want  to begin  everything  from first. I  know  I  can’t  be happy in  school,  even in home,  so  i  want  change  my  school  place,  or  study  in  college,  if really  i  don’t care in  studying cuz,  i think  that  everybody can  learn  lifes important   things in  real  life not  from  any  books, that  books  not  important  for  being smart, biggest  part  the  people  who   I  know,  learnt so much, but  they don’t  have what  they dreamt,  cuz  they  spent theyrs life  for  fucking  diploma, to  show stupid  people, how  smart  they  are..You  can  learn anything  u  want,  but u can do  it  if  u  really want  it,  exam I – I  have  a  dream,  Live  in USA the meaning  of  my  life, but  right now, I  live  so  far from America, so  I could’t do  anything but I learnt  English  and  I’m  cuntinuing learn  it, I  learnt  two foreign languages, because I  really  wanted  it, I did  it with  interest..So  if  u  don’t  do  anything  u  don’t  like,  don’t  do  it…Life  is  too short, to follow  the  rules..large (1)

I’m  happy cuz  I  have meaning  of life and I’m  gonna  fight..The  time  will  fix  everything,  I  believe..

Sad, Empty I even don’t understand, or I don’t even want to understand..

Anytime,  i think my  thoughts are lost..Already..maybe  this  is  the time  to get  free from  all  the rules and  don’t  think  about  anything..After  1  or 2  years  my schoolmates  going  to  university  or  somwhere  fuck..And they’re  already getting  ready..And what really  seriously you  wanna  tell me  to  go somewhere I  don’t  wanna  go..No!!  Really  thanks.. I  have  another  plans I  don’t  want  to  follow  the  rules,  I  have no  rules  i  gorra  do anything I  want but not  what they’re  going  to  do..I wanna get free and  be  alone,  i  wanna  work  my  own  money  and  spend  it how  i  like.. I  don’t  wanna  be  problem  for  my parents I wanna  live  where  I  want and do  what  i  really  want..I  don’t  know  maybe  that’s  sound  so  dumb..but whatever  i  don’t  care..I  know  I  choose more  hard  version  of  life- to  become    independent..But  that’s  the  way  i  like  it..I  know that its  gorra  be  more  hard  I  mean  very  hard  but  its  better  to  choose  other,  to     be  different..You  know easy  is  always  boring..

But  i’m  for  sure  I   don’t  want boring  life..I’m really  so  sure..I want  to  travel,  I  want  to go far and have my  dreams  cuz, I  can’t wait  anymore..And  I  really  don’t  fucking  care,  what  boring people  are  thinking  and  will  think  about  me..This  is  my  life  I  gorra live  it  how  i  like..God  gaves  everybody theirs  lifes and people  need  to take  care  for  theirs  own  lifes..

Be  Don’t  care at  all….