calmed down.

Today I would like to explain what is happening.

It has been such an alive months and it’s only because emotions  yielded to the minds and that’s why I felt comfortable inside of me, during this time I have been in situations that I used to get face to face the real things, the time came to already come out of where I was living and unlikely to me be around the people that I absolutly don’t match with. There was a problem about adaptation and I used to choose wheter I want to work with bunch of people I feel not comfortable with and earn money or get adapted and accept the things I don’t want to. I am maybe so much far of knowing life and even knowing my own personality but I always been into comfort. I know too much well the ideas of being out of your comfort zone and only then you are better person, at some point I even accept it tho I’m lately being too much against of living by sitting at the any idea, but now the thing I know is that I am not ready to do what, what I hate. It seems everything in my life turns in this confused way, because I know the idea of mine about the comfortability disturbs me and it always will but at the other point, I could have chose to stay where I am now, and never go away after my goal just because I can stay in my comfort zone and I won’t be needed to work and nobody will judge me because of my choices..I know I am being too much confusing and it makes me annoyed too but I can’t stuggle with my situation because it is so disbalanced and uncontrasted. But while I tried to struggle to myself and my feelings even worse to my minds I tried to imagine myself in the role of  nihilist, even by having idea that i am trying to be the person who doesn’t care, but the thing I can laugh at very easily is when people label themselves as a “some type of person” and then say that they are free as hell, examples no offend but the atheists or nihilists, it seems to me such an self-deception, but that wasn’t something I wanted to talk about.

I can say I continued to educate myself, I still continue too and the thing is maybe when I always talk about the books I read and about the ideas I am being interested in or everything else I talk about that is related to my self-education, it may seem so locked and so  regular.But I am trying to be as free as possible in this theme, I want to be honest with myself and to get to know what I am really interested in and not only what I use or have to know, tho sometimes this learning type can surrounds you as much so you whould like to tear yourself apart to know more and more.

What else, I remeber last year in this season I was so despaired
and disappointed, because I didn’t win the GreenCard and I thought this is the end of the life, this year I fail again but now I look back and laugh at myself, but also I am doing the  conclusions about the experiences and how the same fail makes you grown more..Now I know everything is gonna be awsome and even no, even I won’t get the chance to study where I want to maybe I won’t live where I wish and maybe everything is gonna go wrong, but tell me please isn’t it the real life. Surrounded with the disappointments and worries. At last I will smile  and I’m sure you will to. Stay safe and I will see you after a month when I will be quite free of school forever in that case when
last year I was so worried that the school lasts too long….

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Resulating.

Time by time I am returning back to my unknown blog, everytime already a little bit more mature than the last time. I’m never stopping to write, I wrote before and I’ll write always the matter isn’t it.but somethings are quickly changing and the feeling you are getting, the desire that you want to move your feelings into words and make them just a symbols and the consciousness that’s you are unable to do it makes you move madly, shake inside and cry out. But here I am and there’s no explanation for being here, I’m the same teenage girl only I’m a year older now…That’s it and that’s what actually everything we are. Being here, disappearing then appearing again and again, all the same.
I wanted to explain to myself what the 2016 was for me.I can’t remember 2016 as a good or simple or even normal year, no it wasn’t ordinary, it was harder than it used to be, you know how much you learn after everytime you hear you lost, like literally you have lost and the same time you are lost, your personality feels done, and the weather’s coldness makes you feel pain cause you feel that the special space the important person had in your heart is empty forever and it won’t be fixed, no the person won’t come back to hug you and you won’t ask him “how are you?” you won’t look at his and smile only because you like him.
I do really accept the death as a natural thing but…But it pains your life it creates the feeling of the emptiness and the fact of being pointless in life cause one day you are gonna be gone too.
But it has passed like every single beautiful and horrible moment does. Seems everything’s a little bit fixed, because i’ve really tried to set myself free of the sentimental thoughts. Talking about thoughts I can’t underestimate the free-minded position I set myself in, this year I did really try to get out of every single stereotypes I had, I started to think that the word “impossible” is just a useless thing and it hasn’t meaning, I am not only about being here or anywhere else, I’m not about of fighting for the dreams. I mean the mind of setting yourself free of the word “impossible” means to believe that the everything you see or hear or even imagine is can be absolutily real, it can be possible you can create it, I believe this is not my “philosophical revelation” but in last year I can tell I got the meaning of the infinity. I can tell 2016 was the year of overthinking and learning too much, being councius of my mind, my body, my brain.
The year also was romantic for my eyes to heart, I started call myself realist/romantic because of I started appreciate everything I saw, I started see the things beutifully and look at them without wishing prove something about them, I just wanted to be thankful I have the chance to see them and that was all.

You know how much that stupid it feels like while you are unknown for someone who’s becoming the reason of having heavy breath and shaking hands and constrained facial expression, that feels really shitty and it continues to feel like that. This is such an unimportant thing to me but now while it is the part of me it kinda feels even warm.

Can’t even understand how all of these things inflicted to happen only in one year with my mental situation and physical position but I also managed to be not the best friend to my best friend, we are just friends now and we see each other from month to month or even later. I know I never counted friendships something important to me, because I always fell like we can’t never be 100% close or 100% loving each other but it was a time while I was like “God, I’m starrting miss her a little” but then I was okay with it so, it passed I’m still okay with being alone kid, but I could not pass this though cuz it was the part of my year too.

Even though this year was so much stressful but also it was the year of realization and of learning the things. I can be truly thankful, cause in this year I never slept thirsty, hungry or cold the reason I can be so much gratefull to my God and I’ll always will. Thank You

Am I happy now?

Probably passed 4 months from the day of my last post. But anyways, I’m here more grown and I want to write..

That was really hard period of my life and I felt absolutly upset down, and I don’t even want to remember that.. so I wanna begin from that I am absolutly okay with it now, and I’m also okay with the idea that you can lose someone or something  so special and important for you..

Btw congrats me because this is my senior year and in may I will be FINNALY DONE with that hell, but now I’m not about that shit.. I’m continuing attend that classes and when someone is asking what are you going to do after school, and when I’m answering them thay like ‘sorry what??? i didn’t get aren’t you going to college after school’ and I’m like ‘man, calm down, I am not 🙂 ‘

ahhh that stereotypes.. and most hurting is that not everyone is believing me even if idc but like man that’s rude, if you can’t help, why not to shut your ass-mouth up..                     but you know we’re strong bones and we’re not looking the shits like that and I’m trying to be positive, to care  about my loved ones and to learn as much as I can.. Learning. what is that mean, sure learning by youself, by everything you see around most cool things ever, and experience you get by just looking and taking gestures, looks, situations everything you see around is just a big experience. and sometimes I even can’t control my tears  but I’m really learning.. from everything.

Music, books, writing, inspirational movies. we all know how to be happy with these things.

And sure  my beautiful weather is back so I’m feeling myself more than just ok. I maybe feel happiness? Idk but I’m 100 % sure I’m not sad..sure I’m being emotional, upset, done but I’m not sad.                                                                                                                                                 I’m also meditating and  that helps a lot, even I’m a newbie.

and a interest to someone?….

sam_4308
and here’s a pic of my happiness

Thanks

 

 

 

About growing and learning more

Learn is not studing

There are coming part when you really want to learn more get more smart or just explore in internet not only about social stupid sites and find new pretty writers, philosophers, books and watch more deep movies.. And this is really inspiring change your opinion about a lot life things, teach yourself, learn from anybodies or just safe your opinion knowing its right one..

I really like this part of my life. I’m so interested about quotes and I’m finding so simply the same time so deep and cool quotes, and today I read one so right and true that is “Right now you may not be where you intended to be, but it’s where you need to be in order to get to where you want to go ” . this is so inspire and really we don’t need give up anyways never ever, because everything has a reason and  we’re  not lost yet, till we can fight.. Whatever where we are, we are here for fighting for where we want we’re humans, and nothing is gonna be easy cos that is reason.. Everything can be beautiful, even loses we can make everything beautiful, and no matter what, we have to make ourselves  happy, one day whatever when tomorrow, today or in one year..

 

About lying.

I’m person who’s just can’t lie even when some situation is too hard and I have to lie that’s so hard to me, and I’m always choosing say truth.. I don’t really understand people whos creating for themselves imaginary life and that’s not beautiful and its just lie. Because I know one thing so right when I’m lying I’m feeling worst and when the truth is bad saying the truth I’m feeling so bad too.. So why lie if it’s the same thing, difference is about being honest, and I really  appreciate the honesty and I think everyone does!

So why am I  talking about this because maybe this is not much similar  with lies but I started share with persons and not only shut up, actually I don’t like talk to people with my feelings or just tell them about my problems but, I started be frank about why I’m sad or why I can’t go with my friends for having fun, that’s so normal to me to say them I haven’t got enough money or just I don’t want spend time with you.. I know its can be kind of rude but I learnt how make understand and how understand, so this is my advice if you’re not able or you just don’t have wish tell them coz then its being easier live for future and its being normal for you too.

 

I thought I could make a blog where I could give advice to teenagers and take advices and maybe I’ll make something like that in future but here I’m real examination of teenage girl who’s getting problems, exploring and trying learn more

We have to know what we live for

I just can’t understand the people. They are thinking about rules, principles, like what if, and a lot dumb ideas in the head of humans.

Today in facebook  I saw the post where one mother who’s not worked enough money to make her son’s wishes true, was so broke and after it she played in porn film as an actress she has got money and bought bicycle for her only son, after that it was written “they are so happy now, she made her son happy”. The cries coming quickly after this all, I felt we didn’t lose our hope to be human and take care for each other. But then I read whole comments in that post. Every single body, everybody judged her, even someone wrote “couldn’t you just hit your son to be angry to him and say that he’s too little to wish anything”. I just can’t guess  did that commenter meant that the kids are nobodies and we gonna don’t care  about whole our children’s wishes?? I really have no idea  what is she meant. Okay if we  have problems  do we gonna make our favorite people sad, hit them, judge them?? Really? I’m really freaking don’t understand..

I’m just 16  everyday sitting in internet reading any posts, comments, quotes everyday I’m learning something new, some opinions, minds are making my young opinion about world its all making me grown. And what do you mean saying “hit your baby and scream at him”. Do you wanna make me angry in future? If during the time I’ve didn’t got my opinion maybe I could be agree with you. What do you think, in the future will we get the love and peace?

We can beat each other how much we like but do we think about future, do we think about after us. I really can’t understand the people, who’s making any “special”  “cool” “severe” minds and telling everyone about their “strong opinion” which is so useless and stupid for everyone..

Every mistake is not mistake if we are doing it for getting love, peace and hope..And how I understand for that killing is most  inexcusable thing because it isn’t have any of this 3 things..

P.S I’m so grateful, yesterday I’ve got most kind of likes for my photoghrapy post, its really makes me stronger for my future dreams.