Resulating.

Time by time I am returning back to my unknown blog, everytime already a little bit more mature than the last time. I’m never stopping to write, I wrote before and I’ll write always the matter isn’t it.but somethings are quickly changing and the feeling you are getting, the desire that you want to move your feelings into words and make them just a symbols and the consciousness that’s you are unable to do it makes you move madly, shake inside and cry out. But here I am and there’s no explanation for being here, I’m the same teenage girl only I’m a year older now…That’s it and that’s what actually everything we are. Being here, disappearing then appearing again and again, all the same.
I wanted to explain to myself what the 2016 was for me.I can’t remember 2016 as a good or simple or even normal year, no it wasn’t ordinary, it was harder than it used to be, you know how much you learn after everytime you hear you lost, like literally you have lost and the same time you are lost, your personality feels done, and the weather’s coldness makes you feel pain cause you feel that the special space the important person had in your heart is empty forever and it won’t be fixed, no the person won’t come back to hug you and you won’t ask him “how are you?” you won’t look at his and smile only because you like him.
I do really accept the death as a natural thing but…But it pains your life it creates the feeling of the emptiness and the fact of being pointless in life cause one day you are gonna be gone too.
But it has passed like every single beautiful and horrible moment does. Seems everything’s a little bit fixed, because i’ve really tried to set myself free of the sentimental thoughts. Talking about thoughts I can’t underestimate the free-minded position I set myself in, this year I did really try to get out of every single stereotypes I had, I started to think that the word “impossible” is just a useless thing and it hasn’t meaning, I am not only about being here or anywhere else, I’m not about of fighting for the dreams. I mean the mind of setting yourself free of the word “impossible” means to believe that the everything you see or hear or even imagine is can be absolutily real, it can be possible you can create it, I believe this is not my “philosophical revelation” but in last year I can tell I got the meaning of the infinity. I can tell 2016 was the year of overthinking and learning too much, being councius of my mind, my body, my brain.
The year also was romantic for my eyes to heart, I started call myself realist/romantic because of I started appreciate everything I saw, I started see the things beutifully and look at them without wishing prove something about them, I just wanted to be thankful I have the chance to see them and that was all.

You know how much that stupid it feels like while you are unknown for someone who’s becoming the reason of having heavy breath and shaking hands and constrained facial expression, that feels really shitty and it continues to feel like that. This is such an unimportant thing to me but now while it is the part of me it kinda feels even warm.

Can’t even understand how all of these things inflicted to happen only in one year with my mental situation and physical position but I also managed to be not the best friend to my best friend, we are just friends now and we see each other from month to month or even later. I know I never counted friendships something important to me, because I always fell like we can’t never be 100% close or 100% loving each other but it was a time while I was like “God, I’m starrting miss her a little” but then I was okay with it so, it passed I’m still okay with being alone kid, but I could not pass this though cuz it was the part of my year too.

Even though this year was so much stressful but also it was the year of realization and of learning the things. I can be truly thankful, cause in this year I never slept thirsty, hungry or cold the reason I can be so much gratefull to my God and I’ll always will. Thank You

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Am I happy now?

Probably passed 4 months from the day of my last post. But anyways, I’m here more grown and I want to write..

That was really hard period of my life and I felt absolutly upset down, and I don’t even want to remember that.. so I wanna begin from that I am absolutly okay with it now, and I’m also okay with the idea that you can lose someone or something  so special and important for you..

Btw congrats me because this is my senior year and in may I will be FINNALY DONE with that hell, but now I’m not about that shit.. I’m continuing attend that classes and when someone is asking what are you going to do after school, and when I’m answering them thay like ‘sorry what??? i didn’t get aren’t you going to college after school’ and I’m like ‘man, calm down, I am not 🙂 ‘

ahhh that stereotypes.. and most hurting is that not everyone is believing me even if idc but like man that’s rude, if you can’t help, why not to shut your ass-mouth up..                     but you know we’re strong bones and we’re not looking the shits like that and I’m trying to be positive, to care  about my loved ones and to learn as much as I can.. Learning. what is that mean, sure learning by youself, by everything you see around most cool things ever, and experience you get by just looking and taking gestures, looks, situations everything you see around is just a big experience. and sometimes I even can’t control my tears  but I’m really learning.. from everything.

Music, books, writing, inspirational movies. we all know how to be happy with these things.

And sure  my beautiful weather is back so I’m feeling myself more than just ok. I maybe feel happiness? Idk but I’m 100 % sure I’m not sad..sure I’m being emotional, upset, done but I’m not sad.                                                                                                                                                 I’m also meditating and  that helps a lot, even I’m a newbie.

and a interest to someone?….

sam_4308
and here’s a pic of my happiness

Thanks

 

 

 

I lost

This day began and what? We are living in a dream. But I woke up today. This is actually stupid but I woke up from this dream and saw that something, someone got less from my dream. My grandfather passed away..

He’s in heaven right now?!

Where are you my old man? Why you make me crying without reason, cause we could stay together. Who’s going to call me in a word which only you know what’s. The word I have no idea what means but  I’m sure its something puppy.

We wasn’t the best grandfather and granddaughter we just loved each other in the love every single relative does. But when you got sick and when you annoyed everyone with your funny old man things. I was laughing how cute and funny my grandpa is. I know everybody who has ever told you suck words thinking “if we could turn back the time”.

I said a lot of time that I don’t have roots and I’m  daughter of the universe but one thing I understand today, You’re my root and I’m kind of thankful to you that I’m sitting here, writing about you, thinking about us and  time by time cleaning my tears.

I’m realistic even I’m sure my life is a dream and I will wake up some day. I understand everyone’s one day dying, that’s natural but heart’s natural too. I said myself a lot of time “this isn’t horrible, this is okay, this is natural, but demon it hurts”

I know it will pass, I’ll  grown up, I wont remember but sucks even if we’ll forget I miss  that old man.

 

Feeling of soul

The streets are dark, empty and cold

You don’t try control me anymore. I’m not that cute baby who was your pretty thing to love.. I’ve become harder and now the pimples in my forehead, I’m stressed teen and it seems I don’t care at everything, and I even don’t wanna fix my stupid imperfections, cause I lose everything

 

“How can I sleep if I don’t have dreams?
I just have nightmares
How can it be?
I still believe something is out there “

 

Everything is out of my mind. Every damn thing

Let’s forget about everything just a moment pause it, let’s forget about past, future and now too.

Let’s love each other without any disgusting formalities ..Let’s hug each other under our favorite song we know lyrics we can sing together, or just lets run away with our minds with our old car, lets just loaf in cold and dark streets, please don’t afraid we are not alone we have each other., don’t you believe me?!

But I’m alone I can’t do it they’re trying keep me here, and I don’t have you. you’re imaginary..

In love..With the world ♡

When people are asking me what is your favorite color I really can’t find answer to them. I like whole the shadows of blue  in the sky when its turning something red-orange and sometimes in the morning pink.. I love the color of the grass and already nude trees, I even love the color of asphalt which is place by place got dark after the rain.. I like everything about the nature.. I love it I feel I was born to feel the nature feel the wind,  run when its raining and watch all the day in the sky..

Everyday  I love to wait till 6:30 and watch to the sunsets, be wondered how everyday and enjoy that view till the sun goes down. I love to watch  how dogs are  running after the cats, and I’m sure they just want to play with them cause they’re so cute, so kind. Once I cried when I saw how mother dog is teaching her sons how to walk, that’s my sweetest and kindest memory and I cried because of people to when in the morning I listened a high shot voice I was gone to the balcony and I saw how an fucking asshole man caught from the pretty little dog’s feet and took him to his fucking car.. He  killed the dog, he killed the part of the nature. And he killed me too, I fell ashamed to be called “person” because he was called as a “person” to. And he’s killing was like how people killing each other in the wars, in a little fights, in any situations one and only thing I can’t accept with no way, but they’re doing it. And I don’t care if you will call me a freak because of I compare animals and people killings, I just can’t respect any killer even for any reason. I really can’t cause I know when even people killing other person for punish I’m sure in the heaven every single bad persons I mean real bad they surely will get theirs answers.. The only thing I wish is that everybody stop kill the things made by God whatever its animal, person or trees..

Look how beautiful is around you and appreciate what you have..

Thank You..Happiness

The wishes, plans we are making in our brain are coming true during in time, after these all I even can’t afraid that any of my dreams won’t come true..

Btw Merry Christmas  and Happy New Years

Every single year I was so unhappy about holydays because I always wanted more or other one.

I feel how I am growing up, because I don’t taking so hard the mind “I could have more” whatever I really so grateful for everything I’ve got for every single day God is giving me, I can listen a lot bad news but I don’t care cause I know nothing is perfect and I don’t want anything will get perfect, I accept the world how it is because this amazing world is my HOME this is where I gorra survive and do my life things.. the world is mine I am the world’s

 

I always dreamt about to have something special, something unforgettable and I’ve got it in this New Year.. I raised lighter in the sky wishing most special and important thing is for me, doing it I’ve got so much freedom so much happiness so much feelings.                                          I like what I have, I love it and the things I don’t like I will change with a big pleasure.

The only thing I wish is the peace and humanity for every person. We are really  sorry to lost ours. Don’t be ashamed to be kind  to everyone  

I’m so blended                                                                                                                    I feel love and I’ve got sure about my feelings. Once I felt what I never feel in before, I’m not going to cry cause my love is untouchable and inaccessibile I gorra move on and live on, I don’t care at all and at every feeling. I love this feeling which people are calling love maybe this is another feeling unnamed but anyways I don’t care at words and at rules. My life is continuing I’m happy and still free freak

I LOVE THIS WORLD EVEN I AM A HOPELESS FREAK

Hey, I missed here so much but I couldn’t write, but anyways, I’m here and I’m so glad..

I can say I’m really other person. I don’t know myself, but one  thing I know for  sure  that I’ve become better person. In  before I couldn’t imagine that I can have a plans for  where I’m living, but happened weird thing and I’ve got a lot of plans till my real dreams will come true. I don’t know how to write my happiness in here because I’m really so  excited and everything is so good  so cool, the Christmas time is so positive, I’m so glad. I don’t know.. I  love the world, I want the peace and I know everything is going to be alright..

 

Okay about 2 months ago I felt I’m really changed. I didn’t prayed for my dreams, the only thing I wished is the peace, I started appreciate what I have, I started love my family more and more, I started love everybody and everything in this pretty world, but I understood that I’ve never hated          anybody, I never wished to anyone sad things. Another thing I understand is that  the most important  things  for life is having hope, faith and love, of course I knew about these things but I figure them out in my soul.. Another thing I wanted to understand  is that what is the life, really, in that period the life became for me too boring, I thought ok if I will get  my dreams, what is going to happen after that all. But after that I understand what is the meaning this all, sure I can’t  get whole my answers but how I feel that’s so good. Cause the life is interesting with a bunch of  questions we have for it. I understand that if I’m living so I have an meaning, that’s to find love.

Love is mean the life,  love  means the  light and that light is we are, with many mistakes, and imperfections, but this is we are and this is our life.. Really I thought so much about this all and maybe I didn’t get the real answers but I’m really so glad I’ve got life, reasons and  everything God is giving me..

About my life’s changes..

I really was so freaked, I didn’t understand what is happening with me, I thought I’m in love but in a place thinking  how I can get  attention, I figure out other thing, that if  I like or love someone my life is really  success but I can’t say I was in love that “love” was the love to everything, that’s showing that I can’t hate, and I’m so glad..

Another hobbies I’ve  got   really I fell in love with writing and reading. In before when    I could waist    my time with only fucking TV or internet  I’m spending    either with  writing or reading books..

One of the poems I wrote in the  picture I really like this one so much, writing, shoting, reading, dreaming, learning something new these things are a really big big inspirations for me..

Btw I’m going to learn Italian cause I always dreamt about it and I’m going to make my dream true. And I’ve got new plans about Europe correctly about Italy.

And I’m really  super happy I’ve got new reasons and I’m really so thankful. Really.