Am I happy now?

Probably passed 4 months from the day of my last post. But anyways, I’m here more grown and I want to write..

That was really hard period of my life and I felt absolutly upset down, and I don’t even want to remember that.. so I wanna begin from that I am absolutly okay with it now, and I’m also okay with the idea that you can lose someone or something ¬†so special and important for you..

Btw congrats me because this is my senior year and in may I will be FINNALY DONE with that hell, but now I’m not about that shit.. I’m continuing attend that classes and when someone is asking what are you going to do after school, and when I’m answering them thay like ‘sorry what??? i didn’t get aren’t you going to college after school’ and I’m like ‘man, calm down, I am not ūüôā ‘

ahhh that stereotypes.. and most hurting is that not everyone is believing me even if idc but like man that’s rude, if you can’t help, why not to shut your ass-mouth up.. ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† but you know we’re strong bones and we’re not looking the shits like that and I’m trying to be positive, to care¬†¬†about my loved ones and to learn as much as I can.. Learning. what is that mean, sure learning by youself, by everything you see around most cool things ever, and experience you get by just looking and taking gestures, looks, situations everything you see around is just a big experience. and sometimes I even can’t control my tears ¬†but I’m really learning.. from everything.

Music, books, writing, inspirational movies. we all know how to be happy with these things.

And sure ¬†my beautiful weather is back so I’m feeling myself more than just ok. I maybe feel happiness? Idk but I’m 100 % sure I’m not sad..sure I’m being emotional, upset, done but I’m not sad. ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† I’m also meditating and ¬†that helps a lot, even I’m a newbie.

and a interest to someone?….

and here’s a pic of my happiness






Its raining.I’m freaked up


I’m, I hate everything, ¬†everybody..I ¬†wanna ¬†be free, ¬†i ¬†don’t ¬†know, ¬†maybe i ¬†wrote it ¬†100 ¬†times ¬†but ¬†I don’t ¬†care, ¬†my ¬†feelings ¬†so ¬†differant.I’m ¬†crying, ¬†smiling I’m really ¬†getting ¬†dumb ass.. I was ¬†afraid that ¬†I can ¬†get ¬†real ¬†mad, and ¬†I’m ¬†afraid of it right ¬†now too..Today was ¬†horrible day, ¬†I ¬†wanted to ¬†kill everyone in ¬†fucking ¬†school, I came ¬†home and ¬†I ¬†cried ¬†out, ¬†I cried ¬†so ¬†hard. I ¬†was so ¬†emotional, I ¬†was ¬†so ¬†sick and ¬†now ¬†I’m sad, I’ve got freaked..Sometimes ¬†I’m ¬†thinking ¬†why, ¬†I’m ¬†gonna ¬†see whole the same ¬†boring ¬†people ¬†and the ¬†same ¬†boring ¬†way every fucking ¬†similar ¬†day,,???Why??? That’s ¬†already from many time ago ¬†made ¬†me ¬†so ¬†tired, ¬†u ¬†just can’t imagine how much ¬†I’m ¬†tired, thats ¬†even I ¬†can’t ¬†imagine.I ¬†can’t ¬†know myself..I can’t wait ¬†some new ¬†things..I’m ¬†so ¬†afraid that I ¬†c I ¬†don’t ¬†know. Thats ¬†so so ¬†hard.I ¬†don’t ¬†have ¬†any connection with people who I live with, and ¬†they ¬†can’t ¬†understand ¬†me.

I ¬†wanna ¬†take ¬†back ¬†my ¬†childhood, I can’t say ¬†that it ¬†was something interesting ¬†or happy cuz I was always ¬†alone ¬†kid, ¬†bud ¬†it was ¬†so ¬†good ¬†that i ¬†didn’t understand ¬†a ¬†lot of things ¬†about ¬†life, life ¬†is ¬†too hard.I just ¬†hope God ¬†will help ¬†me ¬†again, ¬†because ¬†I trust ¬†only ¬†Him..

I want begin everything from the first..

I ¬†was ¬†so ¬†nervous, ¬†and ¬†maybe ¬†right ¬†now, ¬†i’m nervous ¬†too, but ¬†so ¬†whatever, I ¬†feel more adequately..i ¬†don’t ¬†know, ¬†I missed ¬†my all ¬†thoughts..I ¬†wanted end ¬†my life ¬†and ¬†begin again, but ¬†I ¬†understand ¬†that ¬†that’s ¬†impossible get ¬†other ¬†life, ¬†i gorra ¬†change ¬†my ¬†life and ¬†fight ¬†what I live ¬†for.. In ¬†these days ¬†i just ¬†ate ¬†my moms brain ¬†saying “I ¬†can’t ¬†live ¬†here any fucking ¬†more”. i ¬†know she ¬†feels me and ¬†she ¬†understands, ¬†but ¬†i ¬†don’t ¬†know ¬†for ¬†why she ¬†isn’t ¬†want ¬†change ¬†anything, ¬†she ¬†said ¬†many ¬†times ¬†that ¬†she ¬†will ¬†do ¬†everything ¬†to ¬†make ¬†me ¬†happy but day ¬†by ¬†day ¬†I ¬†understand ¬†to ¬†get ¬†my ¬†dreams, ¬†in ¬†that ¬†way ¬†i can ¬†trust ¬†only ¬†me and to my ¬†God.. ¬†In ¬†these ¬†days I feel ¬†I’m ¬†emotional ¬†but ¬†in ¬†real I’m ¬†not, I ¬†was ¬†like someone without heart, i ¬†didn’t ¬†do ¬†anything, ¬†I ¬†even didn’t ¬†cried..That ¬†was ¬†so ¬†awkward, when u want something ¬†to ¬†do ¬†but actually u ¬†can’t do ¬†anything, even ¬†cry..

But ¬†I ¬†really ¬†want ¬†to begin ¬†everything ¬†from first. I ¬†know ¬†I ¬†can’t ¬†be happy in ¬†school, ¬†even in home, ¬†so ¬†i ¬†want ¬†change ¬†my ¬†school ¬†place, ¬†or ¬†study ¬†in ¬†college, ¬†if really ¬†i ¬†don’t care in ¬†studying cuz, ¬†i think ¬†that ¬†everybody can ¬†learn ¬†lifes important ¬† things in ¬†real ¬†life not ¬†from ¬†any ¬†books, that ¬†books ¬†not ¬†important ¬†for ¬†being smart, biggest ¬†part ¬†the ¬†people ¬†who ¬† I ¬†know, ¬†learnt so much, but ¬†they don’t ¬†have what ¬†they dreamt, ¬†cuz ¬†they ¬†spent theyrs life ¬†for ¬†fucking ¬†diploma, to ¬†show stupid ¬†people, how ¬†smart ¬†they ¬†are..You ¬†can ¬†learn anything ¬†u ¬†want, ¬†but u can do ¬†it ¬†if ¬†u ¬†really want ¬†it, ¬†exam I – I ¬†have ¬†a ¬†dream, ¬†Live ¬†in USA the meaning ¬†of ¬†my ¬†life, but ¬†right now, I ¬†live ¬†so ¬†far from America, so ¬†I could’t do ¬†anything but I learnt ¬†English ¬†and ¬†I’m ¬†cuntinuing learn ¬†it, I ¬†learnt ¬†two foreign languages, because I ¬†really ¬†wanted ¬†it, I did ¬†it with ¬†interest..So ¬†if ¬†u ¬†don’t ¬†do ¬†anything ¬†u ¬†don’t ¬†like, ¬†don’t ¬†do ¬†it…Life ¬†is ¬†too short, to follow ¬†the ¬†rules..large (1)

I’m ¬†happy cuz ¬†I ¬†have meaning ¬†of life and I’m ¬†gonna ¬†fight..The ¬†time ¬†will ¬†fix ¬†everything, ¬†I ¬†believe..

Sad, Empty I even don’t understand, or I don’t even want to understand..

Anytime, ¬†i think my ¬†thoughts are lost..Already..maybe ¬†this ¬†is ¬†the time ¬†to get ¬†free from ¬†all ¬†the rules and ¬†don’t ¬†think ¬†about ¬†anything..After ¬†1 ¬†or 2 ¬†years ¬†my schoolmates ¬†going ¬†to ¬†university ¬†or ¬†somwhere ¬†fuck..And they’re ¬†already getting ¬†ready..And what really ¬†seriously you ¬†wanna ¬†tell me ¬†to ¬†go somewhere I ¬†don’t ¬†wanna ¬†go..No!! ¬†Really ¬†thanks.. I ¬†have ¬†another ¬†plans I ¬†don’t ¬†want ¬†to ¬†follow ¬†the ¬†rules, ¬†I ¬†have no ¬†rules ¬†i ¬†gorra ¬†do anything I ¬†want but not ¬†what they’re ¬†going ¬†to ¬†do..I wanna get free and ¬†be ¬†alone, ¬†i ¬†wanna ¬†work ¬†my ¬†own ¬†money ¬†and ¬†spend ¬†it how ¬†i ¬†like.. I ¬†don’t ¬†wanna ¬†be ¬†problem ¬†for ¬†my parents I wanna ¬†live ¬†where ¬†I ¬†want and do ¬†what ¬†i ¬†really ¬†want..I ¬†don’t ¬†know ¬†maybe ¬†that’s ¬†sound ¬†so ¬†dumb..but whatever ¬†i ¬†don’t ¬†care..I ¬†know ¬†I ¬†choose more ¬†hard ¬†version ¬†of ¬†life- to ¬†become ¬† ¬†independent..But ¬†that’s ¬†the ¬†way ¬†i ¬†like ¬†it..I ¬†know that its ¬†gorra ¬†be ¬†more ¬†hard ¬†I ¬†mean ¬†very ¬†hard ¬†but ¬†its ¬†better ¬†to ¬†choose ¬†other, ¬†to ¬† ¬† be ¬†different..You ¬†know easy ¬†is ¬†always ¬†boring..

But ¬†i’m ¬†for ¬†sure ¬†I ¬† don’t ¬†want boring ¬†life..I’m really ¬†so ¬†sure..I want ¬†to ¬†travel, ¬†I ¬†want ¬†to go far and have my ¬†dreams ¬†cuz, I ¬†can’t wait ¬†anymore..And ¬†I ¬†really ¬†don’t ¬†fucking ¬†care, ¬†what ¬†boring people ¬†are ¬†thinking ¬†and ¬†will ¬†think ¬†about ¬†me..This ¬†is ¬†my ¬†life ¬†I ¬†gorra live ¬†it ¬†how ¬†i ¬†like..God ¬†gaves ¬†everybody theirs ¬†lifes and people ¬†need ¬†to take ¬†care ¬†for ¬†theirs ¬†own ¬†lifes..

Be ¬†Don’t ¬†care at ¬†all….