right here and right now.

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and now the rain has become the hope
it is the only which has the look of the peace
maybe it will replace of our outlet
or even of our tears
to follow the rain seems impossible itself
but if to try, it doesn’t sting while it’s beating
it only strokes rudely
and that stroking is beautiful, isn’t it?
they are just drops, now
but they’re looking like the sparkles of “the hopes” for some
and as the rain is very beautiful and it doesn’t hurt while its beating
just stand and feel it
and the hurt.you won’t feel it
funny thing? it is that the hope and peace and pain doesn’t exist now

 

inspired by the rain itself

 

 

After all.

A month later. And I am here as I promised (tho nobody cares)
I survived and as 15 years old me decided to introduce her graduation achievement like this, I won’t dissapoint her and I will do the same
“I fu*ked the school behind”
And I know this is such an immaturity but I could not offend her.
I overed with my school, with the place that everybody hates and as a very usual kid I hated too, I felt so surrounded and disparate whole these years and everything that has happened and everything we’ve been through and everything that we have become here and now.sadily I can absolutly not describe this in the right way. I am just too much unable…
And now… I thought I will become happiest person… but now I’m in unlimited abiguity
I am aware, yes i am to much aware and I also knew before that everything is not supposted to go in the right way, I clearly knew that I’m not gonna be enough.And now I am not gonna find justifications, I am not gonna struggle against to me.
I thought I found the key of being a little bit oriented and relaxed but now, when everybody asks me what is your plan and I stand silent and confused begging with my haze to not ask me such a question anymore.
I don’t know what I want and I don’t say what is right for me but the most important question is what I want.What my heart wants?.I feel so emptied, I thought I will forget by just forgetting my own existness for a while, i thought it is my salvation, to forget about “I am” and to start thinking about everything else.But ego wins it wants to be in the center of attention and to be thinked about whole the time.
Now, I write and I am so surprised that I am able to do, because I haven’t notice how I lived during this last 3 days.

tiredness

ire(I’ve wrote this, 2 months before and this is how I felt)
I did not know before I can get tired, beside having hard-working days, waliking to much, having headaches,drinking to much or a lot more reasons. Only now I understand the world “tiredness” is relative, it has differant meanings,my tiredness was a little bit unrecognizabe at first to me I couldn’t understand the meaning of it because I was sleeping and I’d waking up already tired so I connected it to something about phisical issue but only now I get that in this vesion of my story the mind is controller of the body and not only.
3 months, literally 3 months and I’ll get done with the school, I will find without thinking, I’ll find out at some moment, somehow in some place that my life is clearly not what it is now, it will happen suddenly and I will notice it for a moment and then I won’t think about it, this is not a promise or something like that, no! my life is gonna change by itself I’ll find myself in the new situation, I will start worry more or against I will stop worrying but the matter isn’t about it, matter is in now, that I can control myself to survive the school because only 3 months and I can call myself “free”. The only desiticion I make now, wich about I’m so concious that that is so reckless is that I’m prefering just not to attend the last classes of my school-life… I’m being unresponsible and I’m behaving absurdic, I don’t know how to justificate myself, maybe I don’t even use to, but it’s like the mornings of mine are working against to me, they are eating me, it’s like they make my body and eyes tired on purpose so I’ll feel myself useless. I don’t know what is happening but I don’t like this position of mine……………………………………
I’m sucked up