Uncertain.

Dear doctor, I write this to you alm​ost unconsciously, I just woke up, so..       So I treat the steps I do as I treat the hot pepper, neutrally. I wish I could keep this for ever. So I would never put to much care on the things I do, on my stupid thoughts, my heartless days, which are rolling down after each other without a turn, and I am not a good runner to catch one of them, the unluckiest one and slump on it an single moment of happiness. Instead, I often take myself and my undone  steps very seriously, I take to much pressure and then fry  myself in my head, the head that obviously the world is not needed of. Head that is not really real, its created by stupid me.                                                              Now i know right? You will wonder  and then ask what kind of connection you could have to this rubbish story( or whatever it is). OK, i’ll answer you. I need  nothing from you, nothing but an single advice, that’s all I’m asking for, in a case if I have a right ( you asked me to call you anytime when I have questions, the last time we met, when you checked out my grandma from the hospital, so..I’m not calling you and of course you didn’t mean this but…). You are heart surgeon, you should know the answer, do you?  

When I saw you first time,ever I started hating you, yes I did. You may ask why ’cause you didn’t even give a damn about me, nor gave even an single gaze, not an attention. Nothing. You know I just answered your question. That is why I started hating you, cause when I saw you I noticed everything about you, starting from your satin scarf to your glossy shoes, from your angry eyebrows to your rarely seen but such a soft smile. You are opposite of me. That’s why I hated you. i did. you didn’t,but you did not! I hate the fact that for some 60 second meet ups with you made me think about you, forever, again and again, on and on. And it drove me crazy. It drives me crazy,it still does. I write your description so I won’t forget, I spoil your portrait with my talentlessy hand, the hand that adores the art and the art gives no shit about that hand, I ruin and distort your face, I try to draw, but my art ruins you and then I blame myself of not having a right, to do that.  

I’ve spent my birthday and whole new year/christmas craziness, thinking only about you, imagining only you and I hate the idea that there’s no one nor nothing to put the blame on. Is the fault  in my grandma’s, yours, mine or winter’s, well, no one can tell. In the similar way I will hold the question whether I’ll see you ever again, on the air, dear David. And you cannot imagine how hard it is to exchange the words “doctor”, “you” and “he” to your name, your actual name. Your beautiful name. 
Give me an advice, how to silent my heart and how to stop hating myself every time I make myself try to speak pathetic and all the time I do it horribly. Tell me, the heart, is it really not an organ or do I try to seem romantic. You know and I dont.                                         I’m sorry for giving you headache, I always do that to the people… But honestly I wasn’t honest. I still don’t treat my steps neutrally, this stupid letter that I just wrote, I won’t send it to you, ever, do I?          

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will be alright.

Honestly, I am proud of myself that I could fight and win the demon which has been living inside of me two years before. I am ashamed of my own words, that I’ve wrote here to someone. Relatives or friends or even worse to my mom, I was literally ungrateful asshole who thought only about her senseless existness.                                         There is something in my heart what  I’m not even being able to pronounce.But I want to be honest to me and confess that I can’t remember a day when I felt real happiness. I know it might sound unrealistic cause there’s should be something, in somewhere deep hidden in memories that will make me smile jelously to go back to that moment, to that second and feel the same happiness.The blame is all mine and everything was and still is so confusing but I can’t remember a day, an hour,  a second me in the euphoria of happiness, this is too much grievous to me to even think about, but by living a grey and too much unknown life..here’s results.Here comes a time when you say to yourself ”at least you should have tried”. So coming over this story I will make myself happy very soon and after doing that I’ll come back here and I’ll share everything…           So, now what I wanted to talk about is that the spleen of 13/15 years old me has been gone away and I don’t know how could I talk about anybody like that, how could I be that young and that much heartless. I want to delete all my angry thoughts that I wrote here and burn whole of diaries but these are times and they are changing and of course reading my old stupidness makes me smarter and stronger now.

Now while everything is hundred times more awful in my life when my family moved to somewhere that makes me breath very uneasy at every moment, when i’m unimaginably out of my comfort and I feel airless, where I feel depressed and downtrodden, not needed and……I want to stop talking like this. Like the dumbness of mine is consist of that I’m so aware that by labeling myself as “somehow” makes me like that more.So I should stop call me “depressed”,”sad”, “uncreative” or whatever else, right now.                             And here’s the thing I can’t put the blame of  my uncomfortability to anybody else.             I know I’m so immature now, that I think this situation won’t change and I’ll stay unhappy forever..But I know, I fucking know every damn thing that disturbs me now will disappear so soon and every damn feeling to. Will be alright….

After all.

A month later. And I am here as I promised (tho nobody cares)
I survived and as 15 years old me decided to introduce her graduation achievement like this, I won’t dissapoint her and I will do the same
“I fu*ked the school behind”
And I know this is such an immaturity but I could not offend her.
I overed with my school, with the place that everybody hates and as a very usual kid I hated too, I felt so surrounded and disparate whole these years and everything that has happened and everything we’ve been through and everything that we have become here and now.sadily I can absolutly not describe this in the right way. I am just too much unable…
And now… I thought I will become happiest person… but now I’m in unlimited abiguity
I am aware, yes i am to much aware and I also knew before that everything is not supposted to go in the right way, I clearly knew that I’m not gonna be enough.And now I am not gonna find justifications, I am not gonna struggle against to me.
I thought I found the key of being a little bit oriented and relaxed but now, when everybody asks me what is your plan and I stand silent and confused begging with my haze to not ask me such a question anymore.
I don’t know what I want and I don’t say what is right for me but the most important question is what I want.What my heart wants?.I feel so emptied, I thought I will forget by just forgetting my own existness for a while, i thought it is my salvation, to forget about “I am” and to start thinking about everything else.But ego wins it wants to be in the center of attention and to be thinked about whole the time.
Now, I write and I am so surprised that I am able to do, because I haven’t notice how I lived during this last 3 days.

tiredness

ire(I’ve wrote this, 2 months before and this is how I felt)
I did not know before I can get tired, beside having hard-working days, waliking to much, having headaches,drinking to much or a lot more reasons. Only now I understand the world “tiredness” is relative, it has differant meanings,my tiredness was a little bit unrecognizabe at first to me I couldn’t understand the meaning of it because I was sleeping and I’d waking up already tired so I connected it to something about phisical issue but only now I get that in this vesion of my story the mind is controller of the body and not only.
3 months, literally 3 months and I’ll get done with the school, I will find without thinking, I’ll find out at some moment, somehow in some place that my life is clearly not what it is now, it will happen suddenly and I will notice it for a moment and then I won’t think about it, this is not a promise or something like that, no! my life is gonna change by itself I’ll find myself in the new situation, I will start worry more or against I will stop worrying but the matter isn’t about it, matter is in now, that I can control myself to survive the school because only 3 months and I can call myself “free”. The only desiticion I make now, wich about I’m so concious that that is so reckless is that I’m prefering just not to attend the last classes of my school-life… I’m being unresponsible and I’m behaving absurdic, I don’t know how to justificate myself, maybe I don’t even use to, but it’s like the mornings of mine are working against to me, they are eating me, it’s like they make my body and eyes tired on purpose so I’ll feel myself useless. I don’t know what is happening but I don’t like this position of mine……………………………………
I’m sucked up