Honestly, I am proud of myself that I could fight and win the demon which has been living inside of me two years before. I am ashamed of my own words, that I’ve wrote here to someone. Relatives or friends or even worse to my mom, I was literally ungrateful asshole who thought only about her senseless existness. There is something in my heart what I’m not even being able to pronounce.But I want to be honest to me and confess that I can’t remember a day when I felt real happiness. I know it might sound unrealistic cause there’s should be something, in somewhere deep hidden in memories that will make me smile jelously to go back to that moment, to that second and feel the same happiness.The blame is all mine and everything was and still is so confusing but I can’t remember a day, an hour, a second me in the euphoria of happiness, this is too much grievous to me to even think about, but by living a grey and too much unknown life..here’s results.Here comes a time when you say to yourself ”at least you should have tried”. So coming over this story I will make myself happy very soon and after doing that I’ll come back here and I’ll share everything… So, now what I wanted to talk about is that the spleen of 13/15 years old me has been gone away and I don’t know how could I talk about anybody like that, how could I be that young and that much heartless. I want to delete all my angry thoughts that I wrote here and burn whole of diaries but these are times and they are changing and of course reading my old stupidness makes me smarter and stronger now.
Now while everything is hundred times more awful in my life when my family moved to somewhere that makes me breath very uneasy at every moment, when i’m unimaginably out of my comfort and I feel airless, where I feel depressed and downtrodden, not needed and……I want to stop talking like this. Like the dumbness of mine is consist of that I’m so aware that by labeling myself as “somehow” makes me like that more.So I should stop call me “depressed”,”sad”, “uncreative” or whatever else, right now. And here’s the thing I can’t put the blame of my uncomfortability to anybody else. I know I’m so immature now, that I think this situation won’t change and I’ll stay unhappy forever..But I know, I fucking know every damn thing that disturbs me now will disappear so soon and every damn feeling to. Will be alright….
A month later. And I am here as I promised (tho nobody cares)
I survived and as 15 years old me decided to introduce her graduation achievement like this, I won’t dissapoint her and I will do the same
“I fu*ked the school behind”
And I know this is such an immaturity but I could not offend her.
I overed with my school, with the place that everybody hates and as a very usual kid I hated too, I felt so surrounded and disparate whole these years and everything that has happened and everything we’ve been through and everything that we have become here and now.sadily I can absolutly not describe this in the right way. I am just too much unable…
And now… I thought I will become happiest person… but now I’m in unlimited abiguity
I am aware, yes i am to much aware and I also knew before that everything is not supposted to go in the right way, I clearly knew that I’m not gonna be enough.And now I am not gonna find justifications, I am not gonna struggle against to me.
I thought I found the key of being a little bit oriented and relaxed but now, when everybody asks me what is your plan and I stand silent and confused begging with my haze to not ask me such a question anymore.
I don’t know what I want and I don’t say what is right for me but the most important question is what I want.What my heart wants?.I feel so emptied, I thought I will forget by just forgetting my own existness for a while, i thought it is my salvation, to forget about “I am” and to start thinking about everything else.But ego wins it wants to be in the center of attention and to be thinked about whole the time.
Now, I write and I am so surprised that I am able to do, because I haven’t notice how I lived during this last 3 days.
ire(I’ve wrote this, 2 months before and this is how I felt)
I did not know before I can get tired, beside having hard-working days, waliking to much, having headaches,drinking to much or a lot more reasons. Only now I understand the world “tiredness” is relative, it has differant meanings,my tiredness was a little bit unrecognizabe at first to me I couldn’t understand the meaning of it because I was sleeping and I’d waking up already tired so I connected it to something about phisical issue but only now I get that in this vesion of my story the mind is controller of the body and not only.
3 months, literally 3 months and I’ll get done with the school, I will find without thinking, I’ll find out at some moment, somehow in some place that my life is clearly not what it is now, it will happen suddenly and I will notice it for a moment and then I won’t think about it, this is not a promise or something like that, no! my life is gonna change by itself I’ll find myself in the new situation, I will start worry more or against I will stop worrying but the matter isn’t about it, matter is in now, that I can control myself to survive the school because only 3 months and I can call myself “free”. The only desiticion I make now, wich about I’m so concious that that is so reckless is that I’m prefering just not to attend the last classes of my school-life… I’m being unresponsible and I’m behaving absurdic, I don’t know how to justificate myself, maybe I don’t even use to, but it’s like the mornings of mine are working against to me, they are eating me, it’s like they make my body and eyes tired on purpose so I’ll feel myself useless. I don’t know what is happening but I don’t like this position of mine……………………………………
I’m sucked up