will be alright.

Honestly, I am proud of myself that I could fight and win the demon which has been living inside of me two years before. I am ashamed of my own words, that I’ve wrote here to someone. Relatives or friends or even worse to my mom, I was literally ungrateful asshole who thought only about her senseless existness.                                         There is something in my heart what  I’m not even being able to pronounce.But I want to be honest to me and confess that I can’t remember a day when I felt real happiness. I know it might sound unrealistic cause there’s should be something, in somewhere deep hidden in memories that will make me smile jelously to go back to that moment, to that second and feel the same happiness.The blame is all mine and everything was and still is so confusing but I can’t remember a day, an hour,  a second me in the euphoria of happiness, this is too much grievous to me to even think about, but by living a grey and too much unknown life..here’s results.Here comes a time when you say to yourself ”at least you should have tried”. So coming over this story I will make myself happy very soon and after doing that I’ll come back here and I’ll share everything…           So, now what I wanted to talk about is that the spleen of 13/15 years old me has been gone away and I don’t know how could I talk about anybody like that, how could I be that young and that much heartless. I want to delete all my angry thoughts that I wrote here and burn whole of diaries but these are times and they are changing and of course reading my old stupidness makes me smarter and stronger now.

Now while everything is hundred times more awful in my life when my family moved to somewhere that makes me breath very uneasy at every moment, when i’m unimaginably out of my comfort and I feel airless, where I feel depressed and downtrodden, not needed and……I want to stop talking like this. Like the dumbness of mine is consist of that I’m so aware that by labeling myself as “somehow” makes me like that more.So I should stop call me “depressed”,”sad”, “uncreative” or whatever else, right now.                             And here’s the thing I can’t put the blame of  my uncomfortability to anybody else.             I know I’m so immature now, that I think this situation won’t change and I’ll stay unhappy forever..But I know, I fucking know every damn thing that disturbs me now will disappear so soon and every damn feeling to. Will be alright….

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right here and right now.

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and now the rain has become the hope
it is the only which has the look of the peace
maybe it will replace of our outlet
or even of our tears
to follow the rain seems impossible itself
but if to try, it doesn’t sting while it’s beating
it only strokes rudely
and that stroking is beautiful, isn’t it?
they are just drops, now
but they’re looking like the sparkles of “the hopes” for some
and as the rain is very beautiful and it doesn’t hurt while its beating
just stand and feel it
and the hurt.you won’t feel it
funny thing? it is that the hope and peace and pain doesn’t exist now

 

inspired by the rain itself

 

 

calmed down.

Today I would like to explain what is happening.

It has been such an alive months and it’s only because emotions  yielded to the minds and that’s why I felt comfortable inside of me, during this time I have been in situations that I used to get face to face the real things, the time came to already come out of where I was living and unlikely to me be around the people that I absolutly don’t match with. There was a problem about adaptation and I used to choose wheter I want to work with bunch of people I feel not comfortable with and earn money or get adapted and accept the things I don’t want to. I am maybe so much far of knowing life and even knowing my own personality but I always been into comfort. I know too much well the ideas of being out of your comfort zone and only then you are better person, at some point I even accept it tho I’m lately being too much against of living by sitting at the any idea, but now the thing I know is that I am not ready to do what, what I hate. It seems everything in my life turns in this confused way, because I know the idea of mine about the comfortability disturbs me and it always will but at the other point, I could have chose to stay where I am now, and never go away after my goal just because I can stay in my comfort zone and I won’t be needed to work and nobody will judge me because of my choices..I know I am being too much confusing and it makes me annoyed too but I can’t stuggle with my situation because it is so disbalanced and uncontrasted. But while I tried to struggle to myself and my feelings even worse to my minds I tried to imagine myself in the role of  nihilist, even by having idea that i am trying to be the person who doesn’t care, but the thing I can laugh at very easily is when people label themselves as a “some type of person” and then say that they are free as hell, examples no offend but the atheists or nihilists, it seems to me such an self-deception, but that wasn’t something I wanted to talk about.

I can say I continued to educate myself, I still continue too and the thing is maybe when I always talk about the books I read and about the ideas I am being interested in or everything else I talk about that is related to my self-education, it may seem so locked and so  regular.But I am trying to be as free as possible in this theme, I want to be honest with myself and to get to know what I am really interested in and not only what I use or have to know, tho sometimes this learning type can surrounds you as much so you whould like to tear yourself apart to know more and more.

What else, I remeber last year in this season I was so despaired
and disappointed, because I didn’t win the GreenCard and I thought this is the end of the life, this year I fail again but now I look back and laugh at myself, but also I am doing the  conclusions about the experiences and how the same fail makes you grown more..Now I know everything is gonna be awsome and even no, even I won’t get the chance to study where I want to maybe I won’t live where I wish and maybe everything is gonna go wrong, but tell me please isn’t it the real life. Surrounded with the disappointments and worries. At last I will smile  and I’m sure you will to. Stay safe and I will see you after a month when I will be quite free of school forever in that case when
last year I was so worried that the school lasts too long….

Resulating.

Time by time I am returning back to my unknown blog, everytime already a little bit more mature than the last time. I’m never stopping to write, I wrote before and I’ll write always the matter isn’t it.but somethings are quickly changing and the feeling you are getting, the desire that you want to move your feelings into words and make them just a symbols and the consciousness that’s you are unable to do it makes you move madly, shake inside and cry out. But here I am and there’s no explanation for being here, I’m the same teenage girl only I’m a year older now…That’s it and that’s what actually everything we are. Being here, disappearing then appearing again and again, all the same.
I wanted to explain to myself what the 2016 was for me.I can’t remember 2016 as a good or simple or even normal year, no it wasn’t ordinary, it was harder than it used to be, you know how much you learn after everytime you hear you lost, like literally you have lost and the same time you are lost, your personality feels done, and the weather’s coldness makes you feel pain cause you feel that the special space the important person had in your heart is empty forever and it won’t be fixed, no the person won’t come back to hug you and you won’t ask him “how are you?” you won’t look at his and smile only because you like him.
I do really accept the death as a natural thing but…But it pains your life it creates the feeling of the emptiness and the fact of being pointless in life cause one day you are gonna be gone too.
But it has passed like every single beautiful and horrible moment does. Seems everything’s a little bit fixed, because i’ve really tried to set myself free of the sentimental thoughts. Talking about thoughts I can’t underestimate the free-minded position I set myself in, this year I did really try to get out of every single stereotypes I had, I started to think that the word “impossible” is just a useless thing and it hasn’t meaning, I am not only about being here or anywhere else, I’m not about of fighting for the dreams. I mean the mind of setting yourself free of the word “impossible” means to believe that the everything you see or hear or even imagine is can be absolutily real, it can be possible you can create it, I believe this is not my “philosophical revelation” but in last year I can tell I got the meaning of the infinity. I can tell 2016 was the year of overthinking and learning too much, being councius of my mind, my body, my brain.
The year also was romantic for my eyes to heart, I started call myself realist/romantic because of I started appreciate everything I saw, I started see the things beutifully and look at them without wishing prove something about them, I just wanted to be thankful I have the chance to see them and that was all.

You know how much that stupid it feels like while you are unknown for someone who’s becoming the reason of having heavy breath and shaking hands and constrained facial expression, that feels really shitty and it continues to feel like that. This is such an unimportant thing to me but now while it is the part of me it kinda feels even warm.

Can’t even understand how all of these things inflicted to happen only in one year with my mental situation and physical position but I also managed to be not the best friend to my best friend, we are just friends now and we see each other from month to month or even later. I know I never counted friendships something important to me, because I always fell like we can’t never be 100% close or 100% loving each other but it was a time while I was like “God, I’m starrting miss her a little” but then I was okay with it so, it passed I’m still okay with being alone kid, but I could not pass this though cuz it was the part of my year too.

Even though this year was so much stressful but also it was the year of realization and of learning the things. I can be truly thankful, cause in this year I never slept thirsty, hungry or cold the reason I can be so much gratefull to my God and I’ll always will. Thank You

hope, happiness, lose, sadness and emptyness

Firstly I have no idea why the fuck for I’m writing again and I don’t know how to start and how to finish, this is not story this is not mind this is really nothing but maybe some feeling.

In last 9 months I was super super excited and I felt, I will have what I dreamt I had a big hope I felt I’m so happy for some reasons I waited with the freaking exciting but  it got again and again tooo much cold I lost my dreams I lose everything I loved and cared about I wanted die and the life wasn’t interesting to me I feel I’m shaking, I’m not crying my body’s death and I’ve become someone who’s doing mechanical stuff because she have to do that.. She tried, she tried to be Happy but she have got broken..

I’m thinking sometimes how happy the people who’s getting broken because of love or something like that. I wish I could love and get broken but only not pain like this one. When you losing your dreams, your hope and everything…        

I lost

This day began and what? We are living in a dream. But I woke up today. This is actually stupid but I woke up from this dream and saw that something, someone got less from my dream. My grandfather passed away..

He’s in heaven right now?!

Where are you my old man? Why you make me crying without reason, cause we could stay together. Who’s going to call me in a word which only you know what’s. The word I have no idea what means but  I’m sure its something puppy.

We wasn’t the best grandfather and granddaughter we just loved each other in the love every single relative does. But when you got sick and when you annoyed everyone with your funny old man things. I was laughing how cute and funny my grandpa is. I know everybody who has ever told you suck words thinking “if we could turn back the time”.

I said a lot of time that I don’t have roots and I’m  daughter of the universe but one thing I understand today, You’re my root and I’m kind of thankful to you that I’m sitting here, writing about you, thinking about us and  time by time cleaning my tears.

I’m realistic even I’m sure my life is a dream and I will wake up some day. I understand everyone’s one day dying, that’s natural but heart’s natural too. I said myself a lot of time “this isn’t horrible, this is okay, this is natural, but demon it hurts”

I know it will pass, I’ll  grown up, I wont remember but sucks even if we’ll forget I miss  that old man.

 

Feeling of soul

The streets are dark, empty and cold

You don’t try control me anymore. I’m not that cute baby who was your pretty thing to love.. I’ve become harder and now the pimples in my forehead, I’m stressed teen and it seems I don’t care at everything, and I even don’t wanna fix my stupid imperfections, cause I lose everything

 

“How can I sleep if I don’t have dreams?
I just have nightmares
How can it be?
I still believe something is out there “

 

Everything is out of my mind. Every damn thing

Let’s forget about everything just a moment pause it, let’s forget about past, future and now too.

Let’s love each other without any disgusting formalities ..Let’s hug each other under our favorite song we know lyrics we can sing together, or just lets run away with our minds with our old car, lets just loaf in cold and dark streets, please don’t afraid we are not alone we have each other., don’t you believe me?!

But I’m alone I can’t do it they’re trying keep me here, and I don’t have you. you’re imaginary..