Honestly, I am proud of myself that I could fight and win the demon which has been living inside of me two years before. I am ashamed of my own words, that I’ve wrote here to someone. Relatives or friends or even worse to my mom, I was literally ungrateful asshole who thought only about her senseless existness. There is something in my heart what I’m not even being able to pronounce.But I want to be honest to me and confess that I can’t remember a day when I felt real happiness. I know it might sound unrealistic cause there’s should be something, in somewhere deep hidden in memories that will make me smile jelously to go back to that moment, to that second and feel the same happiness.The blame is all mine and everything was and still is so confusing but I can’t remember a day, an hour, a second me in the euphoria of happiness, this is too much grievous to me to even think about, but by living a grey and too much unknown life..here’s results.Here comes a time when you say to yourself ”at least you should have tried”. So coming over this story I will make myself happy very soon and after doing that I’ll come back here and I’ll share everything… So, now what I wanted to talk about is that the spleen of 13/15 years old me has been gone away and I don’t know how could I talk about anybody like that, how could I be that young and that much heartless. I want to delete all my angry thoughts that I wrote here and burn whole of diaries but these are times and they are changing and of course reading my old stupidness makes me smarter and stronger now.
Now while everything is hundred times more awful in my life when my family moved to somewhere that makes me breath very uneasy at every moment, when i’m unimaginably out of my comfort and I feel airless, where I feel depressed and downtrodden, not needed and……I want to stop talking like this. Like the dumbness of mine is consist of that I’m so aware that by labeling myself as “somehow” makes me like that more.So I should stop call me “depressed”,”sad”, “uncreative” or whatever else, right now. And here’s the thing I can’t put the blame of my uncomfortability to anybody else. I know I’m so immature now, that I think this situation won’t change and I’ll stay unhappy forever..But I know, I fucking know every damn thing that disturbs me now will disappear so soon and every damn feeling to. Will be alright….
A month later. And I am here as I promised (tho nobody cares)
I survived and as 15 years old me decided to introduce her graduation achievement like this, I won’t dissapoint her and I will do the same
“I fu*ked the school behind”
And I know this is such an immaturity but I could not offend her.
I overed with my school, with the place that everybody hates and as a very usual kid I hated too, I felt so surrounded and disparate whole these years and everything that has happened and everything we’ve been through and everything that we have become here and now.sadily I can absolutly not describe this in the right way. I am just too much unable…
And now… I thought I will become happiest person… but now I’m in unlimited abiguity
I am aware, yes i am to much aware and I also knew before that everything is not supposted to go in the right way, I clearly knew that I’m not gonna be enough.And now I am not gonna find justifications, I am not gonna struggle against to me.
I thought I found the key of being a little bit oriented and relaxed but now, when everybody asks me what is your plan and I stand silent and confused begging with my haze to not ask me such a question anymore.
I don’t know what I want and I don’t say what is right for me but the most important question is what I want.What my heart wants?.I feel so emptied, I thought I will forget by just forgetting my own existness for a while, i thought it is my salvation, to forget about “I am” and to start thinking about everything else.But ego wins it wants to be in the center of attention and to be thinked about whole the time.
Now, I write and I am so surprised that I am able to do, because I haven’t notice how I lived during this last 3 days.
Today I would like to explain what is happening.
It has been such an alive months and it’s only because emotions yielded to the minds and that’s why I felt comfortable inside of me, during this time I have been in situations that I used to get face to face the real things, the time came to already come out of where I was living and unlikely to me be around the people that I absolutly don’t match with. There was a problem about adaptation and I used to choose wheter I want to work with bunch of people I feel not comfortable with and earn money or get adapted and accept the things I don’t want to. I am maybe so much far of knowing life and even knowing my own personality but I always been into comfort. I know too much well the ideas of being out of your comfort zone and only then you are better person, at some point I even accept it tho I’m lately being too much against of living by sitting at the any idea, but now the thing I know is that I am not ready to do what, what I hate. It seems everything in my life turns in this confused way, because I know the idea of mine about the comfortability disturbs me and it always will but at the other point, I could have chose to stay where I am now, and never go away after my goal just because I can stay in my comfort zone and I won’t be needed to work and nobody will judge me because of my choices..I know I am being too much confusing and it makes me annoyed too but I can’t stuggle with my situation because it is so disbalanced and uncontrasted. But while I tried to struggle to myself and my feelings even worse to my minds I tried to imagine myself in the role of nihilist, even by having idea that i am trying to be the person who doesn’t care, but the thing I can laugh at very easily is when people label themselves as a “some type of person” and then say that they are free as hell, examples no offend but the atheists or nihilists, it seems to me such an self-deception, but that wasn’t something I wanted to talk about.
I can say I continued to educate myself, I still continue too and the thing is maybe when I always talk about the books I read and about the ideas I am being interested in or everything else I talk about that is related to my self-education, it may seem so locked and so regular.But I am trying to be as free as possible in this theme, I want to be honest with myself and to get to know what I am really interested in and not only what I use or have to know, tho sometimes this learning type can surrounds you as much so you whould like to tear yourself apart to know more and more.
What else, I remeber last year in this season I was so despaired
and disappointed, because I didn’t win the GreenCard and I thought this is the end of the life, this year I fail again but now I look back and laugh at myself, but also I am doing the conclusions about the experiences and how the same fail makes you grown more..Now I know everything is gonna be awsome and even no, even I won’t get the chance to study where I want to maybe I won’t live where I wish and maybe everything is gonna go wrong, but tell me please isn’t it the real life. Surrounded with the disappointments and worries. At last I will smile and I’m sure you will to. Stay safe and I will see you after a month when I will be quite free of school forever in that case when
last year I was so worried that the school lasts too long….
The streets are dark, empty and cold
You don’t try control me anymore. I’m not that cute baby who was your pretty thing to love.. I’ve become harder and now the pimples in my forehead, I’m stressed teen and it seems I don’t care at everything, and I even don’t wanna fix my stupid imperfections, cause I lose everything
“How can I sleep if I don’t have dreams?
I just have nightmares
How can it be?
I still believe something is out there “
Everything is out of my mind. Every damn thing
Let’s forget about everything just a moment pause it, let’s forget about past, future and now too.
Let’s love each other without any disgusting formalities ..Let’s hug each other under our favorite song we know lyrics we can sing together, or just lets run away with our minds with our old car, lets just loaf in cold and dark streets, please don’t afraid we are not alone we have each other., don’t you believe me?!
But I’m alone I can’t do it they’re trying keep me here, and I don’t have you. you’re imaginary..
Sky is what I’m in love
my only fear
When people are asking me what is your favorite color I really can’t find answer to them. I like whole the shadows of blue in the sky when its turning something red-orange and sometimes in the morning pink.. I love the color of the grass and already nude trees, I even love the color of asphalt which is place by place got dark after the rain.. I like everything about the nature.. I love it I feel I was born to feel the nature feel the wind, run when its raining and watch all the day in the sky..
Everyday I love to wait till 6:30 and watch to the sunsets, be wondered how everyday and enjoy that view till the sun goes down. I love to watch how dogs are running after the cats, and I’m sure they just want to play with them cause they’re so cute, so kind. Once I cried when I saw how mother dog is teaching her sons how to walk, that’s my sweetest and kindest memory and I cried because of people to when in the morning I listened a high shot voice I was gone to the balcony and I saw how an fucking asshole man caught from the pretty little dog’s feet and took him to his fucking car.. He killed the dog, he killed the part of the nature. And he killed me too, I fell ashamed to be called “person” because he was called as a “person” to. And he’s killing was like how people killing each other in the wars, in a little fights, in any situations one and only thing I can’t accept with no way, but they’re doing it. And I don’t care if you will call me a freak because of I compare animals and people killings, I just can’t respect any killer even for any reason. I really can’t cause I know when even people killing other person for punish I’m sure in the heaven every single bad persons I mean real bad they surely will get theirs answers.. The only thing I wish is that everybody stop kill the things made by God whatever its animal, person or trees..
Look how beautiful is around you and appreciate what you have..
My faith getting bigger and bigger, every moment, every second, my God is making new miracles, this is really wonderful, admirable. So here is a little story, not about me but with connection of me..Maybe even without connection but whatever..So some days ago, my friend told me that a guy whos far relative of her got in coma, I even didn’t see one picture of that guy, i even didn’t knew his name till today, but I was really in shock coz he is really so young, he is just 17 and thats was so so sorry to lose him even I don’t know him, maybe its sound really so dumb, that I’m worring about someone who I even don’t know, but here is humanity, lately I started pray for not only me and my dreams, I started pray to God, asking health and luck for young people, this life actually is too short to lose it in young age, and i’m thinking more about it lately and I’m starting to appreciate my life..Really thank you God my giving me a life, a lot people are losing theirs lifes and that is so sorry..I want live my life don’t repenting it, and in the same time be thankful..So a good side in this story that boy woke up today, when my friend called me and told me good news I was and I’m really so happy..There are really a lot of miracles, we just don’t notice it all..
Appreciate, cos you can lose it suddenly & at once..