Resulating.

Time by time I am returning back to my unknown blog, everytime already a little bit more mature than the last time. I’m never stopping to write, I wrote before and I’ll write always the matter isn’t it.but somethings are quickly changing and the feeling you are getting, the desire that you want to move your feelings into words and make them just a symbols and the consciousness that’s you are unable to do it makes you move madly, shake inside and cry out. But here I am and there’s no explanation for being here, I’m the same teenage girl only I’m a year older now…That’s it and that’s what actually everything we are. Being here, disappearing then appearing again and again, all the same.
I wanted to explain to myself what the 2016 was for me.I can’t remember 2016 as a good or simple or even normal year, no it wasn’t ordinary, it was harder than it used to be, you know how much you learn after everytime you hear you lost, like literally you have lost and the same time you are lost, your personality feels done, and the weather’s coldness makes you feel pain cause you feel that the special space the important person had in your heart is empty forever and it won’t be fixed, no the person won’t come back to hug you and you won’t ask him “how are you?” you won’t look at his and smile only because you like him.
I do really accept the death as a natural thing but…But it pains your life it creates the feeling of the emptiness and the fact of being pointless in life cause one day you are gonna be gone too.
But it has passed like every single beautiful and horrible moment does. Seems everything’s a little bit fixed, because i’ve really tried to set myself free of the sentimental thoughts. Talking about thoughts I can’t underestimate the free-minded position I set myself in, this year I did really try to get out of every single stereotypes I had, I started to think that the word “impossible” is just a useless thing and it hasn’t meaning, I am not only about being here or anywhere else, I’m not about of fighting for the dreams. I mean the mind of setting yourself free of the word “impossible” means to believe that the everything you see or hear or even imagine is can be absolutily real, it can be possible you can create it, I believe this is not my “philosophical revelation” but in last year I can tell I got the meaning of the infinity. I can tell 2016 was the year of overthinking and learning too much, being councius of my mind, my body, my brain.
The year also was romantic for my eyes to heart, I started call myself realist/romantic because of I started appreciate everything I saw, I started see the things beutifully and look at them without wishing prove something about them, I just wanted to be thankful I have the chance to see them and that was all.

You know how much that stupid it feels like while you are unknown for someone who’s becoming the reason of having heavy breath and shaking hands and constrained facial expression, that feels really shitty and it continues to feel like that. This is such an unimportant thing to me but now while it is the part of me it kinda feels even warm.

Can’t even understand how all of these things inflicted to happen only in one year with my mental situation and physical position but I also managed to be not the best friend to my best friend, we are just friends now and we see each other from month to month or even later. I know I never counted friendships something important to me, because I always fell like we can’t never be 100% close or 100% loving each other but it was a time while I was like “God, I’m starrting miss her a little” but then I was okay with it so, it passed I’m still okay with being alone kid, but I could not pass this though cuz it was the part of my year too.

Even though this year was so much stressful but also it was the year of realization and of learning the things. I can be truly thankful, cause in this year I never slept thirsty, hungry or cold the reason I can be so much gratefull to my God and I’ll always will. Thank You

Am I happy now?

Probably passed 4 months from the day of my last post. But anyways, I’m here more grown and I want to write..

That was really hard period of my life and I felt absolutly upset down, and I don’t even want to remember that.. so I wanna begin from that I am absolutly okay with it now, and I’m also okay with the idea that you can lose someone or something  so special and important for you..

Btw congrats me because this is my senior year and in may I will be FINNALY DONE with that hell, but now I’m not about that shit.. I’m continuing attend that classes and when someone is asking what are you going to do after school, and when I’m answering them thay like ‘sorry what??? i didn’t get aren’t you going to college after school’ and I’m like ‘man, calm down, I am not 🙂 ‘

ahhh that stereotypes.. and most hurting is that not everyone is believing me even if idc but like man that’s rude, if you can’t help, why not to shut your ass-mouth up..                     but you know we’re strong bones and we’re not looking the shits like that and I’m trying to be positive, to care  about my loved ones and to learn as much as I can.. Learning. what is that mean, sure learning by youself, by everything you see around most cool things ever, and experience you get by just looking and taking gestures, looks, situations everything you see around is just a big experience. and sometimes I even can’t control my tears  but I’m really learning.. from everything.

Music, books, writing, inspirational movies. we all know how to be happy with these things.

And sure  my beautiful weather is back so I’m feeling myself more than just ok. I maybe feel happiness? Idk but I’m 100 % sure I’m not sad..sure I’m being emotional, upset, done but I’m not sad.                                                                                                                                                 I’m also meditating and  that helps a lot, even I’m a newbie.

and a interest to someone?….

sam_4308
and here’s a pic of my happiness

Thanks

 

 

 

hope, happiness, lose, sadness and emptyness

Firstly I have no idea why the fuck for I’m writing again and I don’t know how to start and how to finish, this is not story this is not mind this is really nothing but maybe some feeling.

In last 9 months I was super super excited and I felt, I will have what I dreamt I had a big hope I felt I’m so happy for some reasons I waited with the freaking exciting but  it got again and again tooo much cold I lost my dreams I lose everything I loved and cared about I wanted die and the life wasn’t interesting to me I feel I’m shaking, I’m not crying my body’s death and I’ve become someone who’s doing mechanical stuff because she have to do that.. She tried, she tried to be Happy but she have got broken..

I’m thinking sometimes how happy the people who’s getting broken because of love or something like that. I wish I could love and get broken but only not pain like this one. When you losing your dreams, your hope and everything…        

I lost

This day began and what? We are living in a dream. But I woke up today. This is actually stupid but I woke up from this dream and saw that something, someone got less from my dream. My grandfather passed away..

He’s in heaven right now?!

Where are you my old man? Why you make me crying without reason, cause we could stay together. Who’s going to call me in a word which only you know what’s. The word I have no idea what means but  I’m sure its something puppy.

We wasn’t the best grandfather and granddaughter we just loved each other in the love every single relative does. But when you got sick and when you annoyed everyone with your funny old man things. I was laughing how cute and funny my grandpa is. I know everybody who has ever told you suck words thinking “if we could turn back the time”.

I said a lot of time that I don’t have roots and I’m  daughter of the universe but one thing I understand today, You’re my root and I’m kind of thankful to you that I’m sitting here, writing about you, thinking about us and  time by time cleaning my tears.

I’m realistic even I’m sure my life is a dream and I will wake up some day. I understand everyone’s one day dying, that’s natural but heart’s natural too. I said myself a lot of time “this isn’t horrible, this is okay, this is natural, but demon it hurts”

I know it will pass, I’ll  grown up, I wont remember but sucks even if we’ll forget I miss  that old man.

 

Feeling of soul

The streets are dark, empty and cold

You don’t try control me anymore. I’m not that cute baby who was your pretty thing to love.. I’ve become harder and now the pimples in my forehead, I’m stressed teen and it seems I don’t care at everything, and I even don’t wanna fix my stupid imperfections, cause I lose everything

 

“How can I sleep if I don’t have dreams?
I just have nightmares
How can it be?
I still believe something is out there “

 

Everything is out of my mind. Every damn thing

Let’s forget about everything just a moment pause it, let’s forget about past, future and now too.

Let’s love each other without any disgusting formalities ..Let’s hug each other under our favorite song we know lyrics we can sing together, or just lets run away with our minds with our old car, lets just loaf in cold and dark streets, please don’t afraid we are not alone we have each other., don’t you believe me?!

But I’m alone I can’t do it they’re trying keep me here, and I don’t have you. you’re imaginary..

Periods

Yeah..!! every single body changing and having a lot of periods in life time..I can bring my example when I was 12 I wanted to be cool kid, show how “smart”  I am, I listened like an “serious” rap music tried to have attention about my taste to my friends and some unimportant things which I guess every kid is doing.. Then I grew up a little I’ve become I guess smarter and maybe you won’t believe  in 2 month you can change a lot and in 13 I’ve become sad child cause I wanted my dreams more and more I’ve got more emotional and I only wanted one thing have one thing and get happy..Everything is changing I changed so much and I’m sure  I won’t know myself after 2 years to.. Because this is just periods and during this periods we’re understanding what’s important for us and what is not, somebodies  aren’t understand what’s more important and anybodies trying be smart and take most important things for us from that periods.. and by this way we’re creating our personality..

I’m sixteen and I’m trying take from this life most important, I wanna get smart more and more no I don’t wanna be perfect and even if I would try I won’t become perfect because I’m humane I’m created for making mistakes and the same time cool life things.. I think God giving us life for some reason. I know I’m here because of something and I’ll do everything to understand what for..

Just relax and think how many opportunities you have, look around you nobody can control you you’re as free as you want. You belong yourself

About growing and learning more

Learn is not studing

There are coming part when you really want to learn more get more smart or just explore in internet not only about social stupid sites and find new pretty writers, philosophers, books and watch more deep movies.. And this is really inspiring change your opinion about a lot life things, teach yourself, learn from anybodies or just safe your opinion knowing its right one..

I really like this part of my life. I’m so interested about quotes and I’m finding so simply the same time so deep and cool quotes, and today I read one so right and true that is “Right now you may not be where you intended to be, but it’s where you need to be in order to get to where you want to go ” . this is so inspire and really we don’t need give up anyways never ever, because everything has a reason and  we’re  not lost yet, till we can fight.. Whatever where we are, we are here for fighting for where we want we’re humans, and nothing is gonna be easy cos that is reason.. Everything can be beautiful, even loses we can make everything beautiful, and no matter what, we have to make ourselves  happy, one day whatever when tomorrow, today or in one year..

 

About lying.

I’m person who’s just can’t lie even when some situation is too hard and I have to lie that’s so hard to me, and I’m always choosing say truth.. I don’t really understand people whos creating for themselves imaginary life and that’s not beautiful and its just lie. Because I know one thing so right when I’m lying I’m feeling worst and when the truth is bad saying the truth I’m feeling so bad too.. So why lie if it’s the same thing, difference is about being honest, and I really  appreciate the honesty and I think everyone does!

So why am I  talking about this because maybe this is not much similar  with lies but I started share with persons and not only shut up, actually I don’t like talk to people with my feelings or just tell them about my problems but, I started be frank about why I’m sad or why I can’t go with my friends for having fun, that’s so normal to me to say them I haven’t got enough money or just I don’t want spend time with you.. I know its can be kind of rude but I learnt how make understand and how understand, so this is my advice if you’re not able or you just don’t have wish tell them coz then its being easier live for future and its being normal for you too.

 

I thought I could make a blog where I could give advice to teenagers and take advices and maybe I’ll make something like that in future but here I’m real examination of teenage girl who’s getting problems, exploring and trying learn more