tiredness

ire(I’ve wrote this, 2 months before and this is how I felt)
I did not know before I can get tired, beside having hard-working days, waliking to much, having headaches,drinking to much or a lot more reasons. Only now I understand the world “tiredness” is relative, it has differant meanings,my tiredness was a little bit unrecognizabe at first to me I couldn’t understand the meaning of it because I was sleeping and I’d waking up already tired so I connected it to something about phisical issue but only now I get that in this vesion of my story the mind is controller of the body and not only.
3 months, literally 3 months and I’ll get done with the school, I will find without thinking, I’ll find out at some moment, somehow in some place that my life is clearly not what it is now, it will happen suddenly and I will notice it for a moment and then I won’t think about it, this is not a promise or something like that, no! my life is gonna change by itself I’ll find myself in the new situation, I will start worry more or against I will stop worrying but the matter isn’t about it, matter is in now, that I can control myself to survive the school because only 3 months and I can call myself “free”. The only desiticion I make now, wich about I’m so concious that that is so reckless is that I’m prefering just not to attend the last classes of my school-life… I’m being unresponsible and I’m behaving absurdic, I don’t know how to justificate myself, maybe I don’t even use to, but it’s like the mornings of mine are working against to me, they are eating me, it’s like they make my body and eyes tired on purpose so I’ll feel myself useless. I don’t know what is happening but I don’t like this position of mine……………………………………
I’m sucked up

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Ssomething…

…about me

The confusion never stops to surround me.

I’ve been thinking and thinking, being chronically tired, waking up without energy to live. It followed me too long and then I decided to stop it. Enough to feel discomfort in life!                                                      Even the books I’ve read on and on, none stop, the minds that has turned around my head, the questions. They continued kill me. IvI’ve tried to get over from every single idea that I’ve locked inside of my brain. I just wanted to be and set my mind in absolute freedom state.live without something “that I have to”, “I must to” or whatever else.  
In this period of my life, one more thing I learnt too well is that the learning can be dangerous too. At some point in this time I was afraid of losing my mind or going crazy. I felt how my eyes are dying slowly, I wanted to know more. It started looks like to me as a ‘obsession’ I had to stop it, so it won’t become habit to be and feel in this way.    So, the March  and my plan was just not thinking. I set myself free, at all.In town, I found the bluesman, who plays guitar at his corner and I’ve stayed  to listen him for hours, to make my heart and spirit blessed. I didn’t save any money to help someone who’s needed., I’ve started walking a lot. I’m  watching how the color indigo looks like at the 7 p.m which reminds me the old and kind days and which makes me have the favorite color…..       Luckily the March is when the rain and wind starts and continues to inspire me, they make me feel so warm inside. I feel myself sunken in the positive way.                

I know.. The confusion is never gonna stop to exist in my life till I’ll find myself at all( if it is possible to do) in somewhere that will make me feel  differently at all, possibly crazily….I don’t know..somehow not like this…. 

And another funny thing, I write this (better to say) I write down this faithful hopes, in my math’s fucked up notebook , while I’m constrained at the class, surrounded of my schoolmates which are so self-decepted and ‘square thinking’  and boring and dumb… Ohh God.               But I have the hope , massive hope that I can and I’m gonna leave this forever and ever and ever!

Resulating.

Time by time I am returning back to my unknown blog, everytime already a little bit more mature than the last time. I’m never stopping to write, I wrote before and I’ll write always the matter isn’t it.but somethings are quickly changing and the feeling you are getting, the desire that you want to move your feelings into words and make them just a symbols and the consciousness that’s you are unable to do it makes you move madly, shake inside and cry out. But here I am and there’s no explanation for being here, I’m the same teenage girl only I’m a year older now…That’s it and that’s what actually everything we are. Being here, disappearing then appearing again and again, all the same.
I wanted to explain to myself what the 2016 was for me.I can’t remember 2016 as a good or simple or even normal year, no it wasn’t ordinary, it was harder than it used to be, you know how much you learn after everytime you hear you lost, like literally you have lost and the same time you are lost, your personality feels done, and the weather’s coldness makes you feel pain cause you feel that the special space the important person had in your heart is empty forever and it won’t be fixed, no the person won’t come back to hug you and you won’t ask him “how are you?” you won’t look at his and smile only because you like him.
I do really accept the death as a natural thing but…But it pains your life it creates the feeling of the emptiness and the fact of being pointless in life cause one day you are gonna be gone too.
But it has passed like every single beautiful and horrible moment does. Seems everything’s a little bit fixed, because i’ve really tried to set myself free of the sentimental thoughts. Talking about thoughts I can’t underestimate the free-minded position I set myself in, this year I did really try to get out of every single stereotypes I had, I started to think that the word “impossible” is just a useless thing and it hasn’t meaning, I am not only about being here or anywhere else, I’m not about of fighting for the dreams. I mean the mind of setting yourself free of the word “impossible” means to believe that the everything you see or hear or even imagine is can be absolutily real, it can be possible you can create it, I believe this is not my “philosophical revelation” but in last year I can tell I got the meaning of the infinity. I can tell 2016 was the year of overthinking and learning too much, being councius of my mind, my body, my brain.
The year also was romantic for my eyes to heart, I started call myself realist/romantic because of I started appreciate everything I saw, I started see the things beutifully and look at them without wishing prove something about them, I just wanted to be thankful I have the chance to see them and that was all.

You know how much that stupid it feels like while you are unknown for someone who’s becoming the reason of having heavy breath and shaking hands and constrained facial expression, that feels really shitty and it continues to feel like that. This is such an unimportant thing to me but now while it is the part of me it kinda feels even warm.

Can’t even understand how all of these things inflicted to happen only in one year with my mental situation and physical position but I also managed to be not the best friend to my best friend, we are just friends now and we see each other from month to month or even later. I know I never counted friendships something important to me, because I always fell like we can’t never be 100% close or 100% loving each other but it was a time while I was like “God, I’m starrting miss her a little” but then I was okay with it so, it passed I’m still okay with being alone kid, but I could not pass this though cuz it was the part of my year too.

Even though this year was so much stressful but also it was the year of realization and of learning the things. I can be truly thankful, cause in this year I never slept thirsty, hungry or cold the reason I can be so much gratefull to my God and I’ll always will. Thank You

Am I happy now?

Probably passed 4 months from the day of my last post. But anyways, I’m here more grown and I want to write..

That was really hard period of my life and I felt absolutly upset down, and I don’t even want to remember that.. so I wanna begin from that I am absolutly okay with it now, and I’m also okay with the idea that you can lose someone or something  so special and important for you..

Btw congrats me because this is my senior year and in may I will be FINNALY DONE with that hell, but now I’m not about that shit.. I’m continuing attend that classes and when someone is asking what are you going to do after school, and when I’m answering them thay like ‘sorry what??? i didn’t get aren’t you going to college after school’ and I’m like ‘man, calm down, I am not 🙂 ‘

ahhh that stereotypes.. and most hurting is that not everyone is believing me even if idc but like man that’s rude, if you can’t help, why not to shut your ass-mouth up..                     but you know we’re strong bones and we’re not looking the shits like that and I’m trying to be positive, to care  about my loved ones and to learn as much as I can.. Learning. what is that mean, sure learning by youself, by everything you see around most cool things ever, and experience you get by just looking and taking gestures, looks, situations everything you see around is just a big experience. and sometimes I even can’t control my tears  but I’m really learning.. from everything.

Music, books, writing, inspirational movies. we all know how to be happy with these things.

And sure  my beautiful weather is back so I’m feeling myself more than just ok. I maybe feel happiness? Idk but I’m 100 % sure I’m not sad..sure I’m being emotional, upset, done but I’m not sad.                                                                                                                                                 I’m also meditating and  that helps a lot, even I’m a newbie.

and a interest to someone?….

sam_4308
and here’s a pic of my happiness

Thanks

 

 

 

hope, happiness, lose, sadness and emptyness

Firstly I have no idea why the fuck for I’m writing again and I don’t know how to start and how to finish, this is not story this is not mind this is really nothing but maybe some feeling.

In last 9 months I was super super excited and I felt, I will have what I dreamt I had a big hope I felt I’m so happy for some reasons I waited with the freaking exciting but  it got again and again tooo much cold I lost my dreams I lose everything I loved and cared about I wanted die and the life wasn’t interesting to me I feel I’m shaking, I’m not crying my body’s death and I’ve become someone who’s doing mechanical stuff because she have to do that.. She tried, she tried to be Happy but she have got broken..

I’m thinking sometimes how happy the people who’s getting broken because of love or something like that. I wish I could love and get broken but only not pain like this one. When you losing your dreams, your hope and everything…        

I lost

This day began and what? We are living in a dream. But I woke up today. This is actually stupid but I woke up from this dream and saw that something, someone got less from my dream. My grandfather passed away..

He’s in heaven right now?!

Where are you my old man? Why you make me crying without reason, cause we could stay together. Who’s going to call me in a word which only you know what’s. The word I have no idea what means but  I’m sure its something puppy.

We wasn’t the best grandfather and granddaughter we just loved each other in the love every single relative does. But when you got sick and when you annoyed everyone with your funny old man things. I was laughing how cute and funny my grandpa is. I know everybody who has ever told you suck words thinking “if we could turn back the time”.

I said a lot of time that I don’t have roots and I’m  daughter of the universe but one thing I understand today, You’re my root and I’m kind of thankful to you that I’m sitting here, writing about you, thinking about us and  time by time cleaning my tears.

I’m realistic even I’m sure my life is a dream and I will wake up some day. I understand everyone’s one day dying, that’s natural but heart’s natural too. I said myself a lot of time “this isn’t horrible, this is okay, this is natural, but demon it hurts”

I know it will pass, I’ll  grown up, I wont remember but sucks even if we’ll forget I miss  that old man.